Hoss's Journal (1849-1853)
by Sibylle1
Summary: During the four and a half years when Adam's away at college, Hoss grows from a boy into a young man. In the process he learns a lot about big brothers, girls, love, and especially himself, but Joe and Adam are seldom far from his thoughts. A prequel. (Warning: mention CP in some chapters)
1. 1849-1850 The first year

Dear Hoss,

I hope you found this gift I slipped into your bed without spending an uncomfortable night sleeping on its edges!

I know you are sad now because it's hard being left behind. I'm sad, too. Leaving - especially leaving you, with whom I've shared almost all the life I can remember – isn't easy, either.

Do you remember how we would console each other at night when we were upset or grieving? Don't think that just because I was older I never took comfort from you. Have I ever said how much that always meant to me? I hope this letter can console you a bit now! Be sure, Hoss, I will return. I love you, my family, and the Ponderosa!

But there are also so many new possibilities for us both to experience. I'll write you often about my college life, but things will be different for you, too, since you'll become the oldest son.

Now about the gift.

It's a journal. When I was a boy, on the journey here and during the early years while you were little, I wrote all the things I couldn't or wouldn't talk about with Pa in my journal and pretended I was writing to a friend. Now, I write in a diary every day to clarify my thoughts and feelings, the way Pa does.

I hope you will try doing one thing or the other with this, and that it helps you as it did me.

The money I put inside is in case you need some without having to ask Pa.

Please, Hoss, take care of yourself and of Little Joe. You are now the big brother! And I know you will be a very good one.

With love,

Your brother Adam

P.S.: Look out for Pa too; even he might need you more now.

**The First year of Adam's college time**

**July 19, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hello Journal,

I'm not sure if you are a friend. I don't like blank pages a lot. It reminds me of school. But I have glued Adam's letter on the first page so maybe you can be a friend.

Adam left three days ago and I miss him. Miss him badly. I know he's after more book-learning, it's what he wants and I hope he's happy. But why must he want this so much! Joe is awful unhappy too. He doesn't understand and he has nightmares like when Ma died two years ago. Hey, Journal, is it fair that for one brother to be happy another has to suffer? How could Adam be so selfish? I should write and tell him how upset Joe is. Maybe he would come back!

**July 19 (later), 1849 (aged 12)**

Hello Journal again,

I thought it over some more.

Sure he'd come back. But then? He'd hurt inside. I know him. Even Pa couldn't always see when Adam's sad, but I can. No, Adam isn't selfish. He spent his first years travelling with Pa, helped build up the Ponderosa and took care of me and Little Joe. He's 19 now, so it's really his turn to do what he likes. It's not unfair. Sorry, I called you selfish, Adam. But it's hard for us. I hope these four years go really quick.

I can try cheering Joe up. We could go riding together if Pa says yes.

**July 20, 1849 (aged 12)**

I thought I heard noises from Adam's room around midnight yesterday but maybe I imagined them because I wished to hear him; or maybe it was just the beams creaking. The room looked unchanged and empty on the morning. I missed him again.

**July 21, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hello Journal,

Yesterday Pa asked me if I would like going to bed an hour later. Staying up later always was Adam's privilege as the oldest. No, not always–I remember Adam arguing hard for it after we had separate rooms. I think it was Ma that convinced Pa then.

Now I'm the oldest, and Pa and I sat on the porch. It felt strange and good at the same time. We talked about our day and how good Joe is with the horses. Then I asked him to tell me the story about him and Adam meeting my mama_._ I like hearing this story because Pa and Adam are always happy when they tell it and I like their banter about who loved her first. I'm so proud that it's my mama they loved so much. Because Adam wasn't there I said his line about how he loved her first, and Pa, like always, answered that Adam only said it aloud first. We laughed together and I felt good for the first time since Adam left. Pa too.

Later in bed I was reminded of another incident with Adam's bedtime.

I remembered a night six years ago when Pa's yelling and Ma's screams woke me up, and I smelled smoke. I was about to get out of my room when I realized that a very angry Pa was yelling at Adam; so I closed my door quickly and went back to bed. In the morning I learned that Adam was reading under his bedcover and almost burned himself and the whole house down. First he wasn't allowed any lights in his room but after a few weeks Pa gave him permission to read in bed for half an hour, only he'd get another tanning if he ever moved the oil lamp from his nightstand again!

I know Ma wasn't happy with that decision because she was always scared for our health. But Pa knew it was safer so–for sure, there's no way to keep Adam from his books (or his wish to learn). What I still don't know today is why he burned his bedcover–he had lots of practice reading with a candle or a lamp under it.

**July 22, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hi Journ,

My teacher'd be right proud of me writing a long essay like yesterday. But I'm happy it's summer and no teacher's around!

I write because I'm so happy. Pa, Joe and me are going to the lake today after services. Joe and I'll sit still and hear the preacher's sermon (or pretend to). It's only an hour and then we will have a whole day just for fun together. Bye Journ!

**July 26, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hi Journ,

Sunday was fine.

It was a very hot day and Joe and I cavorted a lot with Pa in the water. We tried to duck him and splash water on him but he was mostly quicker and ducked us first, calling us a frog army that tried to sink a battleship. It was so funny and sometimes the frog army won and when Pa emerged we shouted, "Quack, quack!" But then we had to flee because of the battleship's revenge attack. We played until Joe looked all blue, then we warmed up lying on the heated cliffs in the sunshine, and Pa told us we looked like seals in the harbour of San Francisco. Later he gave us each swimming challenges. He bet me that I couldn't swim half an hour and Joe fifteen minutes without stopping. But we both won our bets! Joe still doesn't swim real calmly yet but he has staying power. So Pa gave us permission to swim unsupervised this summer in the small pond near the house.

On the way back, when we started singing, I missed Adam again. It was like getting a quick cramp in my heart. Joe and I always sang the main tune along with Adam, and Pa sang harmony. Without Adam it's not so easy keeping to the tune.

I almost forgot to write about the picnic: We had roast chicken, sandwiches, apples, boiled eggs and a big cake. Great!

**July 31, 1849 (aged 12)**

Joe and I went swimming and fishing the last few days after chores. Pa told Joe he has to mind me and he did.

Pa and I sat on the porch each evening and he gave me permission to stay up to write my Journal afterwards because he also writes in his diary to sum up the day just before he goes to bed.

**August 8, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hi Journ,

You know what Joe told me today? "Don't boss me around!" He always drove Adam crazy with that sentence. It's really not so easy to supervise others.

Thinking about Adam I remember: tonight I'm sure I heard noises from his room again, they are real. Maybe there is a mouse. I'll put the cat in there tomorrow.

**August 9, 1849 (aged 12)**

Uh, huh, Journ,

I'm a little out of breath and in a hurry so that Pa won't see I'm writing so late after he already said Good night to me. Don't be mad that I'm scribbling so spidery in you.

While I was in bed and almost falling asleep I heard those noises again from Adam's room. Very clearly footsteps and scratching. I was wide awake at once. The noises didn't go away. I was about to call Pa but then I plucked up my courage and tiptoed cautiously to Adam's room and opened the door. Whoosh. Something darted suddenly between my legs.

I was about to cry out when I realized it was the cat I had forgotten. I'm glad I didn't call Pa, so I could take Blackie outside without having to explain why he was in Adam's room all day. I gave him some milk to make up for that.

**August 17, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hi Journ,

We got a letter from Adam!

It was written at the end of July. He is fine! Travelling across the country by stagecoach seems more boring than an adventure. Now he's taking the railroad. He drew the locomotive for Joe. Pa couldn't answer all the questions Joe asked. So after dinner Joe and I looked at Adam's big book about railroads and steam engines. Adam gave us permission in his letter.

I hope I will see one myself real soon!

I think the cat caught whatever was in Adam's room; it's silent now.

**August 20, 1849 (aged 12)**

Joe and I went fishing the last three days. Fresh fish tastes fine. Hop Sing makes a lot of different meals with it. I like his fish curry best.

**August 26, 1849 (aged 12)**

Hi Journ, my friend, I sure need you right now.

Today Joe went missing. And who got blamed and scolded? Me!

Pa left after breakfast and I worked in the tack room as I was told. Joe was supposed to help. Pa said I should have been suspicious that he didn't appear. But why? When it comes to work Joe doesn't like, he always tries to escape by pretending he's too little to be held responsible, and just goes on playing. After a while I looked for him but I couldn't find him. I was angry but I didn't have time for hide and seek so I went back to my work. Later I became worried about him. I called him and searched in every corner of the house, the yard, and the barn.

When Pa came home in the afternoon I still hadn't found him and Pa was angry and blamed me for not keeping track of him. Now that he's seven he can surely keep track of himself! Pa was about to join in the search when we heard faint screams. They came from the hen house. Yes, there he was! He had crawled inside through the small door the chickens use and couldn't get out the same way somehow. The opening was too small suddenly from the inside, he said, and he feared he would get stuck if he tried. The big door was locked from the outside so he had trapped himself.

Joe looked at Pa with his puppy dog eyes and told him in a pitiful voice how he had screamed for me until he was all tired out and fell asleep. So Pa scolded me again. That little play-actor! Who told him to go crawl in the hen house? Besides, if he'd been calling me so long and so loud, the way he told Pa, I'd have heard him. Instead he goes to sleep without a worry and I waste half the day looking for him and then I get scolded.

I went straight to my room after dinner. Maybe I'm sulking but I have a reason!

**August 27, 1849 (aged 12)**

At the breakfast table Joe tried smiling at me. I didn't smile back but ignored him. If he thinks he can get around me that easily, he is mistaken! I can be stubborn. So I ate with a stony face. Eventually Pa cleared his throat and said he was sorry for yelling at me yesterday.

Then he asked Joe why he was even in the hen house. Joe said because he wanted to find out if he could go inside like the chickens. It took Pa two more questions before Joe confessed that he had gone behind the house on purpose, so I wouldn't find him if I was searching for him to make him do his chores. But while he was playing around the chicken coop he outsmarted himself with the door. I will never understand why Joe has to try out all the harebrained schemes he thinks up!

After that Joe spent the morning sitting on the porch cleaning bridles. I don't know why but after a while I helped him. Maybe being locked in the smelly hen house wasn't much fun either. Joe smiled at me and I smiled back at him and together we cleaned all the bridles and saddles. Pa was very proud of us!

**August 30, 1849 (aged 12)**

Rosie, one of our wagon horses, had her foal. He's a pretty little colt; even though his ma is such a heavy horse. I was there and helped Charlie with the birth. I'll get to name it.

**September 5, 1849 (aged 12)**

School is boring like always. My legs got itchy from sitting, I wished I could stay at home and tend to Billy, the foal.

**September 6, 1849 (aged 12)**

I slept badly tonight, maybe because the day after tomorrow is a special day, so I heard the noises in Adam's room again. This time I was determined to go find out what's in there! So I lit my oil lamp and went quietly to Adam's room, pushed down the handle softly, let my lamp shine a bit inside and peered in the room. First I saw only something glistening and guessed I had heard a faint whimper. I went a couple of steps farther into the room and looked closely at the glittering. And then I identified the source of all. It was Joe huddled in Adam's bed wide eyed staring at me. I think we both were awfully relieved.

I asked him what he was doing in Adam's bed and he told me in a little voice that Adam's room were ghost proof. He said he came into Adam's room and crawled into his bed whenever he was scared about the ghosts howling and scratching in his own room. He didn't even have to wake up our brother; because Adam had promised that he'd be safe in Adam's room. Nowadays he brought a blanket with him but he couldn't sleep very well in the empty room even though there were no ghosts in it. So usually he left the room by dawn and went back to his own bed. Little Joe looked so small and tired that I didn't bother to tell him that the ghosts were all in his imagination. I remember when he was around five Ma tried to convince him every night there weren't ghosts in his room and they would look together in the wardrobe and under the bed until Joe was satisfied there were no ghosts hiding there. But usually five minutes after Ma left, Joe would scream that he'd heard the ghosts come back into his room. So they'd do it all over again and again until Pa would get impatient and yell at Joe to quit those shenanigans and go to sleep with or without ghosts–and stop that screaming or else. Pa's yelling worked but obviously it didn't convince Joe that ghosts didn't exist. Now I realize what a clever big brother Adam is. I thought everything over quickly and then explained to Joe that Adam taught me how I could make my room ghost-proof, too, just before he left. Only the oldest brother in a house can do it and only for one room. Joe looked at me a bit doubtfully but he came with me and was sound asleep in two minutes.

**September 8, 1849 (aged 13)**

DEAR HOSS

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 13th BIRTHDAY

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

YOUR BROTHER ADAM

That's a telegram. It wasn't really sent because we don't have a telegraph station yet. But in the East where Adam's going they do. Adam explained about telegraphing in a letter he left. There's an apparatus that can send short and long signals along a wire and if you know the code you can make letters out of them. Adam says it's called the Morse code, and he gave me a chart and a tiny paper with points and dashes and that's what it meant. I will teach my friends the code so we can use it for secret letters.

Pa gave me new warm boots and a big bag of candy, Joe drew Billy for me and Adam left a very good sharp whittling knife for me. Adam himself is a drawer. He likes to draw or paint and he does all his drawing, writing or painting neatly and precisely. I can't. What I like to do is whittle. I touch a piece of wood and I can feel what I can do with it. It's like discovering whatever's hidden in there. When I look at Joe's drawing of Billy I think he isn't a born drawer too. He's too impatient. But I never seen a kid with such a imagination. He can tell stories nobody else would think of!

The food was very, very good today. Hop Sing made all my favorites and plenty of everything. I look forward to the leftovers tomorrow!

**September 16, 1849 (aged 13)**

I don't know why the girls my age laugh and giggle all the time even when Miss Taylor is so annoyed by it that she makes at least one of them stand in the corner or outside the classroom.

If my old friend Amelia still lived here I could ask her what's so funny but she and her family left a year ago. If anyone knows about fun she does. And she was a true friend; we went fishing together and cared for our little racoons, and neither her Ma nor mine or even Hop Sing ever knew why so much bread and meat went missing that spring. We reared them together in a secret place and let them go back to the wild and nobody ever knew about it. We had to hide them because most people think racoons are as bad as mice. They were our big secret and worth getting some scolds and even a spanking for not coming straight home after school. (It was that spring Adam had left the school in Virginia City and Joe wasn't attending it yet.) When I write these memories I feel how much I miss her. Would she behave so strangely now like the other girls, too?

**October 4, 1849 (aged 13)**

My pals and I use the Morse code for our notes in school. It's fun, nobody else can read it even the teacher.

There is one girl I wonder about. Her name's Annie. She is a year younger than me and doesn't giggle all the time. She is blonde and a little skinny. She almost always sits alone at recess after she tends to her two little brothers.

Pa sold our cattle in Virginia City like last year. The price isn't that high but Pa didn't have to be gone 6 weeks.

**October 18, 1849 (aged 13)**

Today Joe won a big marble contest in school that the younger boys set up for during recess. Second was Johnny, Annie's brother. They didn't play for keeps only to prove who is the best. Annie watched the contest too. Later we talked a little and I learned there are two more children at home and soon a third. Her father is a miner.

**October 28, 1849 (aged 13)**

Hi Journ,

Adam passed his entrance exam six weeks ago. He is in Boston now and studies architecture and engineering. I'm so proud of him. I let it slip on many occasions at school and in town. They all have to know what a smart brother I have.

Besides I got a B on the last essay. I wrote that to Adam. I hope he will be proud of me too!

**November 8, 1849 (aged 13)**

Miss Taylor caught one of our Morse code notes today. Paul told her that it was just random little points and dashes. She seemed very suspicious but didn't ask more. I'm glad she didn't ask me, so I haven't told a lie myself. We wrote nothing real important in that note only how boring math is and how long it seems to recess.

**November 12, 1849 (aged 13)**

My friend Paul was called to come to the teacher during morning recess. We worried and waited for him but he didn't come back outside. So it was lunchtime when we found out what happened. He told us Miss Taylor had shown our little note to her brother and he can read Morse code. Real bad luck but he is an engineer too!

She wanted the names of everyone involved with that note. Paul hadn't tattled on me and the others. He told us Miss Taylor had glared at him a long time and finally said she would write a note for his father because he had lied to her and she wanted to know by tomorrow who else was involved.

We looked at each other. We knew Paul wouldn't tell on us because he's a real friend and nobody knows we're involved. Maybe someone might get suspicious but nobody could prove it.

Nobody likes bringing home a note from school. For Paul it was too late anyway, the damage was done, and his note was already written. What use was it for all of us to get one too? The teacher rang her bell, Sam winked at me, and then we went in again.

I think I wasn't very attentive in the afternoon. At first I was glad I wasn't in any trouble but then there was that gnawing like a little needle in my conscience. I heard Pa in my head saying deceit is as bad as a outright lie. Then I thought, Paul is a real friend but what kind of friend am I to let him take the blame alone? Maybe he was even getting extra punishment for refusing to give our names. At afternoon recess I waited until all the other children were outside and then I went to the front of the classroom to the teacher's desk and confessed that I was involved and the Morse code came from me. She looked at me and asked, "You alone?" I didn't answer her question, she nodded, and sent me outside telling me I had to stay behind after school. John and Sam stared at me suspiciously, I told them what I had done and that I'm not a yellow coward.

When I waited after school while everyone else left, suddenly John and Sam were there with me and also confessed. At first Miss Taylor looked at us sternly but then she said that since we hadn't lied to her and we confessed voluntarily, she will only give us some extra math homework because we weren't paying attention during math lesson. That was a big relief!

Little Joe wasn't very sympathetic with me and my extra homework because he still was angry he couldn't read the Morse code. I tried to teach him but he still has trouble just with his normal letters. Even so he was jealous that he couldn't participate. I know he won't tell Pa anything about it on purpose, but I hope he doesn't let something slip by mistake.

**November 13, 1849 (aged 13)**

Paul's Pa was hard on him. I'm sure my Pa would be angry too if I had lied but I'm glad he isn't so harsh.

Now we have the first snow. Joe and I took the toboggan Adam made out of the barn and cleaned it up. Maybe we will have enough snow for sledding soon.

I'm now one of the biggest boys in school. Even older boys want to wrestle with me and I win mostly.

**November 17, 1849 (aged 13)**

Yes! We got to go sledding! It was great! I think Joe isn't at all afraid of going fast. I like plowing up through the glittering snow when the sky has that wintry deep blue and the sun shines and then going down on the sled. But you have to hurry to get inside before dark or you will freeze to the sled. I knew that but we went back up one time too often. Our feet were so cold Hop Sing put them in cold water so they didn't hurt too badly when they warmed up.

**December 4, 1849 (aged 13)**

Today I shared my cookies with Annie; she said she never had anything so good. Hop Sign's Christmas cookies sure are special. But I know to never ever go snitching them again.

One night a few years ago, very cautiously and silently so I wouldn't wake anyone, I crept downstairs and snuck into the storeroom behind the kitchen where Ma and Hop Sing had neatly stacked all their store-bought and homemade supplies. I was always big for my age but not big enough to reach the highest shelf where the Christmas cookies were in their tins. So I climbed on the big cupboard that covers the whole side wall. When I stood on the lowest shelf I could reach the tin I wanted with my fingertips. But it slid backwards instead of coming towards me. So I had to climb up on the next shelf. And then it began. First the cupboard trembled a bit then it leaned out from the wall towards me. I tried to jump back but it was too late. It crashed down full force and made lots of noise. When Pa, Ma and Hop Sing came in, it didn't take them long to guess who was responsible. There I sat covered in flour, preserves and Christmas cookies in a puddle of fruit and syrup, with the floor around me full of broken glass and smashed tins and jars. I couldn't tell who was madder–Pa, Ma or Hop Sing. Of course Pa gave me a "necessary talk," but he also told me I couldn't have any more dessert all winter until the fresh fruit was ripe, because I had destroyed so many of the supplies you need to make sweets. That was the worst punishment ever. I'll never forget it, even though after a few weeks Adam, Ma, or even Pa himself shared their dessert with me sometimes. No, I will never ever sneak on the Christmas cookies! Fortunately Hop Sing always gives me and Joe a few cookies every day in December. If I ask him I'm sure he will give me a few more for Annie.

**December, 26 1849 (aged 13)**

Pa, Joe, Hop Sing and me had a good Christmas! It's the third since Ma died. The first year we all tried not to think or speak about her but that made us all lonely, because we grieved secretly. In the second year, when the grief came on Christmas Eve, Adam began to share his good memories of Ma and then the rest of us followed, so it was as if her spirit was still with us for Christmas. We did the same this year and also included Adam in our tales. He sent us a letter saying he will visit his grandfather for the holidays. Pa even told us about Adam's ma and her father. I've never heard much about him. He was Pa's captain when he went to sea. The presents were fine. Adam sent a letter and he painted a Christmas picture about Jesus' birth in the stable with a lot of animals around him. It was for Joe but I liked it very much, too.

It's strange but the more you eat the quicker you got hungry again! But being hungry on Christmas with all the fine things Hop Sing has prepared and cooked is a very fine thing!

**January 9,1850 (aged 13)**

I train Billy. He is learning to stay put when I clean out his hooves or if I take his little halter on and off.

**February15, 1850 (aged 13)**

Dear Journal,

I'm mad at Pa. I had a big fight at school today. I know I shouldn't fight and I really don't often but one of the oldest boys had Joe by his collar, almost strangling him, and Joe called me for help. Pete is three years older than me and we had a real fight. I punched him on the nose, it was bleeding, but my left eye is black and swollen and my knuckles hurt. I think we wound up pretty even in getting hurt. But Pa tanned me tonight! Worse than ever because I was in a fight.

I remember Adam coming home last year with a black eye and Pa said nothing to him! Hop Sing put some raw meat on his eye and that was all. Pa always preferred Adam!

I can't sit comfortable so I will try to lie down again but even that's hard when your hand and your eye and your backside hurt. I think I will never speak to Pa again! I had to protect Joe, I'm his big brother!

**February 16, 1850 (aged 13)**

While I was lying on my bed yesterday Pa came in. I didn't turn to face him but went on watching the wall. It was disrespectful but I didn't want to see him.

Pa tried to talk to me and took my shoulder as if he wanted me to turn over. But I didn't. I expected Pa would yell at me but he didn't. He did nothing except move the chair from my desk so he could sit next to my bed. I stared at the wall and did nothing, too. It wasn't easy. I felt Pa's presence growing every minute like a cloud all around me. Eventually I couldn't do no more nothing. I told him straight how badly he treated me compared to Adam.

Pa asked if I think he is unfair and I said yes and turned over so I could look him right in the eyes. Then Pa asked me if I remember when Adam shot his friend Ross with his new Colt pistol shortly after his fifteenth birthday. I told him I sure did. Adam got in big trouble then because he was showing off with the pistol, and so he shot his friend in the leg by mistake. But shooting isn't the same as punching, I said.

Then Pa asked me if I knew how Pete's nose is. I said it had bled some. Pa told me that I broke it and that maybe Pete will have a ugly nose all his life because of me. I said I didn't mean to break it and Pa said that's the problem. I broke the nose of a boy who's three years older than me without intending to. I was really shocked because I didn't think I had hurt him that bad. Pa told me he could take Adam's pistol away but not my fists. So I have to learn to think of the consequences if I use my fists and to control my strength and my temper.

I promised Pa not to use my fists again. Pa told me that Joe and Pete's sister had argued and then wrestled and that Pete was trying to separate them when Joe was screaming for me. Pa told me that Joe had used me to get back at Pete, and that he had a talk with Joe about that. I think I know what kind of talk and it's the first time I wasn't sorry Joe had got one.

**February 17, 1850 (aged 13)**

Today Joe said he was sorry he got me in trouble but he was so mad at Pete's sister and so upset at being held that he screamed for help without really thinking what he was doing. I told him I'm sorry that he was in trouble with Pa, too.

Joe and I agreed that we will buy Pete something and apologize. I hope his nose heals soon and straight.

**March 31, 1850 (aged 13)**

It's spring again. I always think how well the name says what spring does. All of nature seems to spring. Leafs, flowers, grass spring out from bare branches and bare soil. Little calves, chickens, rabbits, and foals spring around and after spending all winter in the house I feel like springing too.

**April 2, 1850 (aged 13)**

Annie and I sat on the schoolhouse steps in the warm sun. She is very shy and just the opposite of Amelia. But after my best friend Paul and his family left for California I feel a bit lonely. It felt good sitting together. She looks even skinnier so I shared my lunch with her. She told me her family was from Ireland.

**April 27, 1850 (aged 13)**

Hi Journ,

Joe asked me for a new slingshot a few days ago, because Miss Taylor confiscated his old one. Joe wasn't too unhappy about that because he's wanted a better one with more power for a long time. Adam still made the old one for him. Now it's my job as a big brother to help him and we made a real good slingshot together. But nobody can think of what happened!

Other boys might just break a windowpane but not Joe. He practised in the yard – that's never a good idea and Pa forbids it, plus I was in the yard when I broke the windowpane – and missed his target. The shot bounced back and hit the dog that was peacefully sleeping in the sun. Cherry leapt up and ran directly towards Hop Sing, who was carrying a big pot with a cooked chicken in hot broth. Hop Sing fell over the dog and dropped the pot. Cherry howled because she got burned, Hop Sing sputtered some Chinese that sounded a lot like swearing as he fell down and got burned too, then the dog sprang up real quickly and snatched the chicken, and eventually Joe and I had only dry bread for dinner because Hop Sing refused to cook any more and the chicken was gone. The only difference was Joe wasn't sitting very comfortably. While nibbling on my dry bread I realized why Adam hadn't made such a good slingshot for Joe. Besides the new slingshot is now confiscated too. By Pa.

**May 9, 1850 (aged 13)**

Today I had to testify before Sheriff Coffee.

It's a long story:

The day before yesterday I was kept after school to redo an essay. The teacher said she knew I could do a much better job if I really wanted to and I was lazy at home. Yes, she is right, I was. That's the price for sometimes earning Bs. So I had to stay and write it over.

I told Joe to wait for me but when I left the building Joe wasn't there. I found a note by my horse saying he had gone to the pond to fish. I don't know why he never does what he is told. I was angry with him and rode to the pond. No Joe there! But I saw his pony's hoof prints in the wet ground. They led towards home so I let Prince gallop after them. I didn't want to be home any later than I already was. Somehow I got suspicious when I saw broken branches on the bushes next to the road. When I looked closer, I saw pony hoof prints going into the woods. I promised Joe a good thrashing when I found him and headed down the pony's trail, and then I saw something that startled me. There were other hoof prints, from a big horse, side by side with Joe's pony. Why was Joe with someone else? Maybe it was a friend or a hand from the ranch. I followed the trail some more and after a while I realized they were heading for an old shack not too far away. My heart slowed for a moment when I saw Joe's pony all by himself, dragging his reins on the ground. I caught the pony and led him with me. Now my heart was pounding–I was afraid I'd find Little Joe with a broken neck. When I saw the strange horse by the shack I didn't feel any better. The door was shut but I heard Joe screaming and crying. Someone hit my little brother. I couldn't bear it and ran to the shack. The door opened and a man with a nasty black beard came out. I knew who he was. He looked older now but I'd never forget that face. His name's Hank. He used to work for us but Pa fired him because he was so mean. I was scared of him as a little boy. But now I knew he had hurt my little brother and meant to do it some more. So I hauled back my right fist and punched him on his nose as hard as I could. I heard the bone break and I enjoyed it! Then things happened real fast. The man staggered back into the shack, Joe ran outside and I bolted the door. Joe and I ran to our horses and we galloped home. Later I wondered what I would have done if Joe was tied up and couldn't get to me.

Pa and a few other men found Hank still in the shack. The window shutters are also barred on the outside. He told Pa it was his fault that he couldn't find a job so he had to steal. After Roy heard my story he told me Hank had been let out of prison just three weeks ago and will be back in it soon.

Hank had told Joe he'd found a boy called Hoss out lying in the woods with a broken leg, and said he'd show Joe the way there. Joe never had met him before and Hank was pretending he didn't know anything about us, but of course he really did since he used to work at the ranch. So Joe went with him because he wanted to help me.

The whole thing was done for revenge on Pa!

Pa was in a mood that evening like I'd never seen before. He hugged us both hard when he came back from town. He said he couldn't blame us for protecting each other or scold me for using my fists in an emergency. Then he kissed us again and sent us to bed because it was late.

I couldn't get to sleep so I came back downstairs about half an hour later. From the landing I saw Pa's hands shake as he poured himself a brandy. He drank it in one big swallow, poured out another and sat down on the settee. He had his face in his hands and looked like he was crying. I didn't know what to do so I went up to bed again.

**May 10, 1850 (aged 13)**

I was the hero in school today even the teacher said I was very brave. I think I should feel better. But somehow I don't.

**May 12, 1850 (aged 13)**

In church the preacher thanked the Lord for my and Joe's rescue, but it didn't feel right.

This evening when I sat alone with Pa on the porch I told him I'm not sure how I feel and that I had seen him gulping down that brandy and then sitting on the settee.

At first Pa was very silent and I worried he was upset because of my spying on him, even though I didn't mean to. Then he said in a low voice that he had been scared to death and very happy at the same time and maybe I felt the same way. What I did was dangerous and maybe foolish and if things had gone wrong maybe we both could have died, but if I hadn't done what I did he didn't know what might have happened to Joe. He felt very lucky because it was luck and God's protection that saved us, but he prayed every day that one of his sons would never have to risk his health or life to rescue the other again. Then Pa reached for me, hugged me, and said, "Son, I'm proud of you. Your mama would be so proud of you too...especially your own mother. Take care of yourself …" and then his voice broke. I saw Pa´s eyes glisten when he hugged me. We stood a long time there hugging each other and I felt all the love my Pa has for me and my mother.

**June 12, 1850 (aged 13)**

It's Little Joes birthday today. Now he's 8 years old. Pa, Hop Sing and me woke him up with a birthday song. I'm not sure how good it sounded but it worked. Joe sprang out of bed and opened his gifts like a hurricane: toy soldiers, a new hat and a small wooden fort Pa and I made for him. He was too exited to eat his breakfast because Hop Sing had packed a big parcel with cake for the other children and Joe wanted to go to school quickly the first time in his life. At school he beamed such a big smile that the teacher couldn't resist so she let him hand out the cake during the first lesson. We all celebrated with Joe for a good half an hour.

**June 14, 1850 (aged 13)**

I like Annie. We often sit together now. She doesn't spend much time with the other girls. But that's not her fault. After school she usually grabs her two little brothers and hurries home. That's what her parents want. The family never comes to any of the socials and they aren't in our church. They are Catholics. But the Catholic kids say the family only shows up for the services and leaves right afterwards. So Annie can't make any friends there either.

**June 28, 1850 (aged 13)**

School's out for summer! My report card wasn't too bad and Joe has good grades. Besides fishing and swimming this year I will help with the haying. We need hay for our horses and milk cows and in case the winter is hard for the range cattle.

**July 9, 1850 (aged 13)**

I'm tired and the hay is itchy on your sweaty skin but I like the work. Charlie, who's the oldest and most experienced of our hands, and the other men said I was a good hard worker. I always thought I had a good appetite but now I know what a real appetite is. Pa joked that I'm eating more than the cost of the hay I brought in. But he chuckled and I knew he is very proud of me.

Joe isn't real happy because he spends most of the day with Hop Sing and has to help him with the garden and so on. We only get to see each other when they bring out our lunch. But the harvest will take only two weeks, so we'll have plenty of time together after that.

**August 18, 1850 (aged 13)**

Today we visited Ma's grave. We brought her some flowers. I'm sad now and so is Joe and even Pa. I know he tried to hide that from us but he is. Even trying to tell happy stories about her didn't work, all we could remember was the accident.

**August 25, 1850 (aged 13)**

Joe isn't as cheerful as usual. While we were swimming yesterday he told me how he hates knowing Pa will have to leave for the drive. I know he's afraid Pa could have an accident like Ma or something and won't come back, even if he doesn't say so. So I talked to Pa in the evening and asked him if we all could do something together before he leaves. That would cheer Joe up a bit. Pa said it might be a good idea.

At breakfast Pa promised Joe we would all go on an overnight fishing trip this weekend. Joe has begged for a long time to do something like that but Pa has always refused, because it could be dangerous and he himself was always glad to sleep in a bed. But today he promised we'd go and Joe is very excited. I thought about Adam. Back when they were always travelling, was he excited when Pa promised him a night under a real roof? I'm looking forward to this trip too.

**September 1, 1850 (aged 13)**

The trip was pretty good. We stopped at noon by the bank of a good-sized creek. We fished and within half an hour we had enough for our meal. Pa cleaned the fishes and told me and Joe to find some dry wood for the fire. I looked on one side and Joe the other. When I was coming back with a big armful of branches I heard a loud splash. We don't have any jumping fishes here so I figured it must be Joe. And sure enough there he was lying belly-down in that creek with a few branches circling around him. I stood on a big stone to pull him up. What a typically Joe thing to try–hopping from stone to stone across the creek with a load of branches! Pa wasn't amused; Joe was soaked from head to toe and shivering. He stood in front of Pa with downcast eyes listening to Pa scold. When Pa finished, he looked up flashing a typical Joe smile and said, "Pa, I don't know why but on the way across it was easy to hop but coming back everything was wider. Maybe the stones moved." Pa sighed and rolled his eyes. Finally we made camp right there by the creek and put Joe in my spare shirt. After the first shock he fooled around pretending he was a girl in a fancy dress saying silly things in a squeaky voice and holding the hem out with his hands. We all laughed a lot. That night we looked up at the stars while Pa pointed out the constellations–I knew most of them already–and he showed Joe how to find the North Star. Pa remembered how he had taught Adam to find the big dipper and the north star on their way west. And, he said, maybe right then Adam was watching the North Star back east and thinking about us. I looked at the North Star, concentrated my thoughts on him and wished him all my best. Maybe he could feel it. Later I lay on my back in my bedroll and looked at the stars until I fell asleep. I love sleeping outdoors on a warm summer night!

Today is the last day before school starts again and right after my birthday Pa will leave us for the cattle drive. I'm glad that this trip cheered not only Joe up but me and Pa too.


	2. 1850 - Christmas 1851: Growing pains

_Thank you all fpor your encouraging comments!_

**Second year**

**September 2, 1850 (aged 13)**

I have grown more. In school now I have to sit in the back because otherwise the normal sized kids can't see the chalkboard. It feels bad always being too big. The other boys in the back are two years older than me and I don't know them very well.

There is a new family in town. Two girls and a boy. They are all younger than me but Joe found a new friend.

**September 8, 1850** **(aged 14)**

I'm fourteen now. Pa said at fourteen I'm no longer a child but not yet an adult. His smile was lopsided when he said that and he ruffled my hair the way I don't like so I ducked. Pa just nodded a little absent minded to himself, then he spread his arms and I hugged him. He kissed me and said "I love you, Hoss, never forget it." Right then Hop Sing brought the cake and I blew out the candles. Pa gave me a new Sunday suit that I got measured for at the tailor's, and a nice leather wallet with three dollars in it.

**September 12, 1850**

Pa is on the cattle drive now. Joe came this night in my room and asked if he could sleep with me. At night he seems so much younger. We slept together in my bed but he tossed around a lot. He called out a few times for Pa, Mama and Adam. It tore my heart because I could feel how desperate and abandoned he felt. I woke him and he clung to me, and then he went to sleep again. That made me proud somehow.

**September 16, 1850**

Annie and the new girl are now friends. They sit side by side and stick together during recess. I wish I had my big brother here, when I feel lonely! Tomorrow I'll write him a letter.

**October 5, 1850**

I'm surprised how carefree Joe seems during the day. He has lots of friends to make mischief with and enjoys it when I let him tend to Billy or hitch up the team. He likes being with horses and handle things. But at nights he has still nightmares. Pa will be back in two weeks.

**October 19, 1850**

Pa's back. He got a good price for the cattle. He said how happy he is to be home again, sitting in his own chair, eating a decent meal cooked by Hop Sing together with his sons and – here he reached in his pocket – reading a letter from his oldest that he had just received in Virginia City. That was a fine evening for us too. Adam wrote he had passed his first year examinations without any problems and he will visit his grandfather for the summer. He also mentioned a young lady several times. The mail sure took a long time. There were a picture and a separate note each for me and Joe too. For me he drew the library so I can see how it looks where Adam learns; and for Joe a picture of a clipper ship. Adam also sent me best wishes for my fourteenth birthday. Pa brought candy for us, as I say, a real fine day.

**October 24, 1850**

School is worse than ever. It's not only having to learn stupid things I'm not interested in. It's things like being so big. If someone giggles behind me I pretend not to hear but I know the girls and even a few boys laugh at me. Behind my back they call me "fat Hoss". I feel so clumsy stuck at my tiny desk and I don't say anything because when I get up from it someone always snickers. The only thing I can do is to silence them with my fists. But I won't. I don't want the other children to be afraid of me. Besides, it would make Pa so mad!

I would be so happy if I was smaller – even too small for his age like Joe. All the girls my age baby him. Even Miss Taylor can't resist his charm. Being such a cute little boy sure can get you spoiled.

**October 25, 1850**

Today Annie and the new girl were with the other girls. They all looked at me and giggled. Even Annie. I don't know why she did it. I sure don't like it.

Pa noticed something was bothering me, so we talked this evening. We sit inside now by the fire instead of out on the porch. Maybe he is right and I'm just growing faster than others. In a few years there won't be such a difference. I hope I can hang on a few years!

He told me when I was a toddler all the women spoiled me because I was such a cute blonde little boy, all smiles, and Adam was secretly jealous.

**October 26, 1849**

Like always in fall we laid in a lot of firewood for the winter. The hands saw up the dried trunks and also the big logs for the fireplace but splitting the smaller ones for the stove and the oven is my job now. I've been working on it for weeks. Pa trusts me to handle the big axe that Adam used to use. Joe has to help stacking the wood. He doesn't like it much because it's exhausting and boring. I didn't like it either when I worked with Adam. Because I've grown into the big axe, Joe wants to have a tool too instead of just using his hands. So today I gave him a hatchet and let him split some kindling for Hop Sing. First I was a bit anxious he would cut himself with it because he is a leftie and I have to use my right hand to show him what to do. Pa would kill me if I let Joe get hurt! But Joe did the job real well. Afterwards we stacked the wood together. When we told Pa this evening how good Joe is with a hatchet, at first Pa frowned at me, but then he said Adam and I were even younger than Joe and he forgot sometimes that Joe isn't a baby anymore and he said how proud he is of him. You could see Joe's smile get real big. Being the youngest isn't easy either.

**October 29, 1850**

Some kids were calling me names again. I rode off by myself today a few hours, then I sat at my favorite spot to watch the sun go down. Watching a sunset let me feel my breast growing wider. At first it sort of hurts a bit but then I feel peace and somehow my sorrows go away. I was late getting home and Pa scolded me but the power of the sunset protected me.

**November 1, 1850**

The two boys that I share the back bench at school with, Mike and Jake, speak to me sometimes. We aren't friends yet but at least they don't tease me.

**November 4, 1850**

Today I drank a whole beer with Mike and Jake. They gave it to me after school, don't know where they got it. I drank it in one big swallow; that impressed them. I didn't say that it was my first and that I was in a hurry, because if Joe came looking for me after saddling his pony, I'd be in trouble. I felt a little dizzy but that was all. Pa didn't get suspicious.

**November 6, 1850**

Perhaps that was a little test. Now Mike and Jake let me be with them at recess. They look at pictures under their desks all the time but I never dared to ask to see them. Yesterday they showed me some. Pa would skin me alive if I had pictures like that! But … I dreamed about one of them last night.

**December 19, 1850**

When she thinks I don't notice, Annie looks at me. Is she looking for the fat boy so she can make fun of him with her friends? I can eat my Christmas cookies by myself or maybe share with Mike and Jake. I don't need her.

Pa sent me to my room today because I was rude to him, only I wasn't. Pa's cranky most of the time lately.

**December 27, 1850**

Christmas was all right but not like I remember. When I was little I couldn't sleep for days before Christmas but now it all seems kind of dull. We did all the usual things but I didn't feel the excitement and joy I always used to. Even the food didn't taste too good, maybe because I worry if I eat too much I will grow more or get fat. I tried not to show anyone how I felt.

**January 4, 1851**

Joe is so annoying lately! Maybe it's the weather. We have so much snow we can't go outside. He pesters me all the time. Playing with toy soldiers isn't as much fun for me as for him.

Pa punished me for swearing. All the men swear, even Mike and Jake.

**January 10, 1851**

Dear Journ,

This was the worst day ever. Billy is dead. He was such a happy little fellow and so lively! And that was what killed him. We let him, Rosie and our other draft horse out in the big corral today so they could get some exercise after being stuck in the barn so long. Because of the snow we don't use the team often in the winter. The colt was prancing around and showing off like a big stallion_. _Then the accident happened; he stepped in a hole – I never saw it before - that was covered up with snow and broke his leg. I can hear his screams yet. Sorry. I know boys are not supposed to cry.

I wished I could have begged Pa to let me try and heal his leg but I didn't. I know there's no way to save a horse with a broken leg. Pa had to shoot him right there in the corral. The shot went off and the screaming ended. When I opened my eyes again his ma was nuzzling the mane of her dead son and she whinnied with such sadness I never heard from a horse before.

Sorry again.

**January 20, 1851**

We're snowed in and can't get to Virginia City, so Pa gave us lessons to learn in the morning. He refused to let me work in my own room because he said Joe needs my help. I know he didn't, but I understand why he likes sitting together at the big table like we do for homework. It's all right. Adam did the same for me. But after schoolwork and chores I need a little time to myself! I hope Pa sees to it that Joe respects that! I can't even go outside to be alone in weather like this.

**February 12, 1851**

Mike and Jake treat me like an equal now. The best time in school is recess when we three stay together. Nobody dares to bother us! Annie still looks at me from time to time. But she has her friends now and I mine!

**February 18, 1851**

Hi Journ,

I'll keep this short because I've written enough for one day. Miss Taylor gave me extra homework writing lines–300 times "I must not swear"–and said Pa had to sign it. Pa was angry. Not using bad language is a big thing for him. He gave me the choice of getting my mouth washed out with soap again or writing another 200 lines. What a choice! Now I have written the stupid sentence 500 times. Damn!

**March 11, 1851**

Charlie said he likes working with me when a cow or a horse had difficulties with birth. He said I'm real good at getting scared animals to calm down. He even sent for me twice at night and Pa said I could go. I don't understand why he is so easy in that case.

**March 21, 1851**

Mike and Jake asked me for a secret meeting tomorrow night. I'm not sure if I dare to sneak out.

**March 22, 1851**

I did it! It was just awesome. We met near Virginia City in a cave. Not a deep one, more a hole in the mountain. First it was cold but then we made a fire and lay around. We told us about our dreams for the future and a lot about girls. They are real friends. Mike had three cigars and Jake a third bottle of brandy. The cigars taste better than I remember when I smoked one as a child, the alcohol makes your stomach warm, it felt good in that cold night. I'm a bit tired today but Pa isn't suspicious.

**April 12, 1851**

Sitting on the shore of our small pond today I watched a duck with her ducklings. It's so amazing how they follow their ma crowded together and if one gets lost and misses the others how the small creature will swim or run and whine loudly until it found its mama again. I watched them for around an hour.

**April 23, 1851**

Hi Journ,

I worked with Charlie. We mended fences. I hit my thumb with the hammer and while I was hopping around and holding my hand I swore a lot. Charlie looked at me and shook his head. "Fine language, boy!" Then he looked down at my thumb and exclaimed, "Dadburnit! You're really strong. I think that thumb need care at home." It hurts so badly that I didn't complain being sent home. When I mounted Prince I asked Charlie about that word he used. He grinned, "That's safe swearing." Hop Sing made a thick bandage with salve around my thumb, I hope it will be better soon. "Safe swearing"? Maybe it's an option I could try.

**April 30, 1851**

I don't know why but Joe won't understand that he has to knock before he rushes in my room. I yelled at him today so loud I think he will remember the next time. Lately the only thing we enjoy together are the horses.

**May 4, 1851**

I'm a full church member now, today I took Communion for the first time. Hop Sing made a very good celebration dinner. My new suit is getting a bit short.

**May 24, 1851**

This time I brought the alcohol. A bottle of Pa's whiskey. We met again in that cave. This time the weather was warm and we could sit outside in the green grass. We talked a lot, Pa's whiskey ran smoothly down our throats and later we sang. We really enjoyed the warm night!

It will be the last for a while; I'm on restriction for a month. Turns out Pa got suspicious the first time because of the smell of smoke on me. This time he heard me going out and when he saw that his most expensive whiskey was also gone he hadn't much to guess–that's what he told me this morning. Yesterday he didn't need to say much. When I was leaving the barn after I rubbed Prince down quickly there Pa was, standing in the doorway with a switch in his hand. I could see even the details because night had changed into dawn. Now I knew what Adam meant years ago when I didn't understand what was wrong with him one morning suddenly and he said some times you have to pay the piper. I hope Pa lets me have a nap today.

**June 12, 1851**

Joe's birthday. He is nine. Pa gave him real fine presents. A lot more than I or Adam ever dreamed about at that age**. **He didn't seem very interested in the box with a whittled lid I made him or in the picture from Adam. I tried not to show how disappointed I was but when Pa frowned at me a few times during dinner I said I didn't feel well and went to my room.

**July 6, 1851**

Maybe it's school that made me so uneasy. The hay harvest was good like last year. Joe could help too. After we loaded, we rode together on top of the hay when Charlie drove the wagons in the barn. Maybe it's crazy but I can smell how good the hay will taste for our animals in the winter. It's not like fresh green grass but it's like the fruits in jars Hop Sing makes. The sunlight is for the grass what Hop Sing's sugar is for the fruits.

**July 18, 1851**

No, it's not school, it's Pa! He keeps picking at me. Anything I say or do except for my work is wrong for him. And if Joe and I have an argument it's always my fault. I hate that he is moody all the time and that he called _me_ sullen when I told him I'd rather sit in my own room than with him on the porch.

**Third year**

**September 8, 1851 (aged 15)**

Pa, Joe and me went to the International House to celebrate my birthday. I got to choose what I wanted and it was delicious. At the table next to ours I saw a real fat family. They all wobble. I do not. I'm not fat! Not really!

Pa gave me a razor and a razor strop, and Joe gave me a leather holster for the razor so I can hang it next to my mirror. Pa helped him with the holes but he made the stitches with a white leather band. The razor looks real sharp, Pa promised to show me how to use it when I'm ready to shave. I think it can't be long! In the evening Pa read a letter from Adam he had hidden as a surprise. He has now finished the second year. Later we sat together and talked about Adam. I copied the part that was for me:

Dear Hoss,

I can't say how badly I wish I could hug you and give you my wishes for your health and happiness _in persona. _On your birthday and Joe's I always wish I were sitting with you at home on the Ponderosa. You can't overestimate how much the penholder you made yourself and sent me for my birthday means to me! Dear brother, please take care of yourself and be wiser than I was at fifteen.

But for now I wish you a happy day and a big cake!

With love

your brother Adam

**September 10, 1851**

School has changed, Mike and Jake have finished and also a few girls; but we have around eight new children. The boy from the International Hotel also comes here now. He brags a lot about his rich parents. The others are nice. And – oh Journ, if you could see her! She looks so pretty and her name fits her so wonderfully: Lilly. She is blonde with green eyes and a very fine figure. She is fifteen like me.

**September 15, 1851**

Pa had hired new hands for the cattle drive and I sit in school. Why couldn't he give me that chance? The only thing in school that don't bore me to death is Lilly. I could watch her all the day.

**September 23, 1851**

I met Mike and Jake a few times but they don't have much free time except Saturday nights when they go to Saloons. I'm not afraid of going into a Saloon but I know I would be recognised and Pa would hear about it and there are prices I won't pay. So I refused to meet them there. I'm busy with the firewood.

**October 14, 1851**

Adam, Pa even Joe, our little charmer, would by now have spoken to a girl or women they adored. I know my feelings are just as strong as theirs, I also recognize romantic situations and places, but I don't know how to begin even a simple little conversation with Lilly. Whenever I am near her I feel my face go red and I get tongue-tied. If Adam was here I could ask him what I should say; he'd know! I wish I was so handsome and good at saying the right things to people!

Pa's back. Joe made a big fuss over seeing him and Pa didn't have time for me and my problems, so I went up to bed early.

**October 26, 1851**

I feel like a trapped animal! Pa grounded me in my room directly after church. How can he do that! It's unfair and it was an accident. And it was Joe's fault in the first place. I don't know how often I told him to knock first. But he came in this morning while I was trying to button up my Sunday trousers. I couldn't get them fastened and that made me feel fat and embarrassed. Joe just stood there grinning in the doorway and wouldn't leave. So I yelled at him and pushed him out of my room. Right then Pa was leaving his own room, so he saw his little boy fall down. Pa was furious with me because I pushed Joe so hard. He didn't ask what Joe had done first.

Pa and Joe are now sitting at the dinner table and I'm supposed to sit in my room and think. Well, I think I'm hungry. I missed dinner too. Maybe Pa´s thinking his fat son shouldn't eat so much–that skipping some meals would be good for him?

Hop Sing just brought me sandwiches and called me a _bad boy_. I was on the verge of telling him to go away and take the sandwiches with him but then I clammed up and gobbled them down.

Why doesn't anybody understand me, why is everybody picking on me? All I want to do is sit peacefully with my family and enjoy Sunday evening.

**November 17, 1851**

I have spoken with Lilly! It's snowing and we couldn't go outside during recess. She looked through the door of the hall outside and I went up to her. We talked about how bad the weather has been these days and she smiled at me. I'm happy.

**November 23, 1851**

I'm sitting here each evening dreaming about her. I'm dreaming in school, dreaming working, dreaming sleeping. Lilly, oh Lilly!

**November 29, 1851**

Dear friend,

please help me. Today I did something I never should. I injured Joe in anger. He was teasing me about Lilly and saying I was sweet on her so I lost my temper. He was directly behind me but I slammed the house door shut without looking back. Somehow he got his arm in the way of the door. Pa and Hop Sing appeared at the same time from opposite sides of the big room. Pa´s eyes were shooting flashes at me while he waited for Hop Sing to see how bad Joe's arm was hurt. My knees trembled because I knew what to expect from Pa but I was really upset about Joe's arm. It wasn't long before Hop Sing finished looking at it but for me it was like an eternity. Tears ran down Joe's cheeks but he tried to be brave and not to flinch during the examination. Fortunately his arm isn't broken but it's very badly bruised! Right away Pa ordered me into the guest room and gave me a bad tanning. When we came back out we found Joe sitting on a chair while Hop Sing bandaged his hurt arm. My little brother lifted his wet eyes and looked up at me so sadly. I'm sure I'll never forget that look. I didn't need Pa hissing about how this was the second time in just a few weeks I'd been brutal to Joe to make me feel guilty. What can I do now? I hate myself. I'm the worst big brother ever!

**November 30, 1851**

Joe forgave me! He said he isn't mad at me at all. How could I have been so unfriendly to him so often lately? I promised him we will spend a lot of time together during Christmas vacation. I hope I can make it up to him.

**December 6, 1851**

Pa asked me if I would like to come with him to the Christmas dance. I was surprised and happy that Pa asked me after all, so I said yes. Even though I wasn't so sure this would be the right entertainment for me.

I spent a long time over by the buffet. After making a little small talk with the older ladies and the other boys, while I secretly watched Lilly dancing, I followed Mike and Jake to the punch bowl. I drank two glasses of punch with them but I couldn't concentrate on what they talked about. I was still too busy watching Lilly. She was dancing with a lot of boys not one especially. I was relieved. Then I went back to the buffet – the others acted as if they thought I didn't plan to do anything but stand next to it - and I tried to collect all my courage to ask her for a dance. Then I thought maybe it would be better if I practice dancing with another girl first, perhaps with Annie. But of course she wasn't there–she never goes to anything like this. I was still trying to decide which girl I would try to dance with when Pa came and said the horses and the sleigh were ready. On the way back Pa asked me if I had had fun. First I said yes but Pa didn't believe me so I told him how clumsy I feel and how I'm not handsome and all. We have a full moon and in its bright light I could see what a surprised face Pa made when I said that. I had to laugh. Maybe I'm not really the ugliest boy in town, maybe I just have to try harder with girls.

At home I studied my face for a long time in the mirror. Maybe my chin and my nose are big but I think my eyes are not too bad. I practiced a steely stare and it looked very manly. I hope I can impress Lilly with it.

**December 8, 1851**

I think Lilly was impressed. She looked a few times after me. Manly looking is one thing but being a man is another. I don't know how to speak to her again. But it was a first step! I'm thinking about making a Christmas gift for her!

**December 20, 1851**

Hop Sing gave me a parcel with Christmas cookies for Annie. She was delighted. Her brothers and sister looked at her with such longing she promised to share with them on Christmas eve. I never saw her looking that happy before. I was a little ashamed it was Hop Sing's idea to give the poor family some cookies for Christmas. Tomorrow I will buy some sweets for the children and Annie as a gift.

**December 21, 1851**

I gave Annie, her brothers, and sister each a peppermint stick I bought.

For Lilly I whittled a Christmas star from honey colored wood. She thanked me and smiled like an angel.

**January 1, 1852**

Christmas was as peaceful as it ought to be. Adam sent a letter for us and some more drawings. I played with Joe often during the vacation; it was more fun than I expected, and Pa read to us in the evening. Once I came in Joe's room to play with him, he sat on the floor with the box I made for him. When I came in he asked, "Should I show you what I have in that fine box you gave me?" I nodded and he opened it, inside were all the letters and all the pictures Adam had drawn for him and a few items from him and me he treasured. "I call it my big brother box," he said and I felt guilty and happy at the same time I hugged him first and then I tickled him until Pa came up and scolded us about making so much noise, but he couldn't hide his smile and he didn't want to I think.


	3. 1852 (Jan - Aug): Important decisions

**January 5, 1852 (aged 15)**

My heart was pounding when I went back to the schoolroom after Christmas vacation. I looked under my lashes at her. Has Lilly smiled at me? Not sure until now. She looks so beautiful! I exchanged a few words with Annie but she has now four younger siblings in school and no time.

**January 7, 1852**

Yeppiiieeee! Lilly gave me an orange and thanked me again for the star I whittled for her. Yep and then I invited her to meet me on Saturday afternoon and she agreed! If it were spring I could show her my most favorite spots and Hop Sing could make us a picnic. Or maybe she would bake something? But perhaps I shouldn't take her to the Ponderosa unchaperoned anyway. So we agreed I would invite her to the International Hotel. Oh Journ, I'm so nervous.

**January 10, 1852**

Yup. Wow. Great! All went well! She looked fabulous today in a pink dress with white laces and a white cape, mittens and shawl. She has expensive tastes even in what she eats. But surely she wasn't aware of how much the things she chose cost. And after we sat that long together a gentleman has to invite a beautiful women to have dinner with him too. When the bill came I was desperate because I hadn't enough money – I had expected to pay for two coffees and two or maybe four pieces of cake and not oysters on the half-shell. But the waiter, an old friend of Pa, said, "Would you like to pay now or put it on your account, Mr. Cartwright?" And what looked first like disaster ended in triumph. I said nonchalantly – at least I intended to – "Put it on my account, please", and then I asked him to bring us Lilly's cape. And Lilly was impressed, sure she was! I helped her into the cape and escorted her outside, took her arm, and walked her home. It was easier than I thought and she smiled at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek as good bye. I know now what heaven is! She's so lovely. Next Saturday we will meet again.

Monday I'll pay the bill. I will have to use some of the money Adam gave me for emergencies. But I think he wouldn't mind, he would understand that a young man needs some money for his girl.

**January 18, 1852**

I couldn't write to you yesterday, Journ. I was too upset. I stopped courting Lilly yesterday at 3 pm.

Yesterday I got to town half an hour before we planned to meet. I went to the store intending to buy some candy for Joe because it was the second Saturday I'd come to town when he couldn't come with me. When I got into the store I saw Lilly. She was standing with her back to me – this time she was in turquoise – looking at a pile of oranges, just like the one she gave me right after Christmas. My heart jumped with joy because I thought she is here to buy me a gift. I'm on my way to her when I saw she grabbed one orange and hid it quickly under her cape. I was so astonished I stood by the front door like I was frozen. Then Mr. Cramer came over to her and said they were very delicate and special fruits and very difficult to transport so they were expensive and recently he guessed he must have had a thief in his store stealing them. Then he counted the fruit and said ten minutes ago there had been two more. Lilly smiled her angelic smile at him and said without hesitating, "What about those children who just went out, those dirty little Sullivan kids. I saw the boy standing next to these oranges!" It was true Annie's brother Tommy and sister Mary, in clothes that were too thin for the winter cold and carrying a small bag between them, had greeted me as we passed on the steps of the store. But suggesting they took the oranges? I felt thunderstruck! How could she? Mr Cramer opened the door and yelled after the children for them to come back, he wanted to look in their bag. They turned and came back slowly, obviously confused and frightened by the yelling.

We all went outside. A few passers-by also gathered to see the spectacle. Then my blood began to pulse through my veins again and I heard it pounding in my ears. I think in comparison to me Pa would have sounded velvet mouthed. I shouted, "How could you? Stealing and then in cold blood blaming two innocent children! I saw you put an orange under your cape just a minute ago. Open it up!" She looked shocked and so did Mr. Cramer. But then he said, "Miss, you heard what Hoss Cartwright said, show us what you have under your cape." Even then Lilly has the impertinence to refuse; saying that nobody has a right to look under a girl's clothes and she wasn't going to undo her cape on a winter day in the public street. Right then Roy Coffee, who had heard the commotion and hurried over to join us spoke up, "Well, now, Miss, I think you'll agree I have the right to ask. Now you can undo your cape for me here, or else we can go over to the jail if that's more convenient for you." Lilly tried to catch my eye but I looked in the other direction. Eventually she brought one orange out from under her cape. So the sheriff took her with him to his office. I stood there on the street next to the two small children trembling with fear and cold and I knew what I wanted to do. I asked them to wait a minute for me, then I went back in the store and bought an orange each for them. They were too surprised even to thank me. I looked again at those little red noses and their thin clothes, and I thought I came to town planning to have coffee at the International House and darn it, I'm going to.

So I invited the children to have a hot chocolate and a piece of cake each with me. Their smiles were so sincere and happy I couldn't understand why I had ever thought the smile of that lying thief Lilly was angelic. When we were leaving the hotel Tommy – he started school last September - scrutinized his orange and smiled shyly at me and said, "Hoss, why has this apple such an orange hide? I licked a bit and it tasted very bitter." The poor little fellow hadn't ever seen an orange before and didn't know how to eat it. I got a lot more angry with Lilly for calling him a thief. Later I learned she had stolen two oranges that day and admitted she'd done it a few other times. I hope her father will thrash her maybe that could change her bad character.

**January 19, 1852**

Lilly wasn't in school today, maybe she is too ashamed of herself.

Tommy came to me at recess and told me how good that orange tasted under its thick hide. Mary and the two other brothers nodded. I think now I'm little Tommy's hero, he followed me the whole day. Later on Annie approached me. "Father would be so furious with them if he thought they were thieves," she said in a low voice. "Thank you so much, Hoss!"She squeezed my hand and smiled. I felt a bit embarrassed and asked her if she would like an apple. At first it seemed she was going to refuse but then she took it.

**February 10, 1852**

During recess little Tommy follows me around like a shadow now. Joe even looked proud of me when he saw Tommy's admiration for his big brother. Joe has a lot of friends to play with at school so we do nothing together there much anyway.

Lilly is back. I try and avoid her, and she me.

**February 25, 1852**

I thought Pa and me had settled our differences by now, but we haven't. I can't understand Pa. I'm almost 16 and he still treats me like a little kid. A bad grade on a test is a big problem for him. He lectures me like I'm Joe's age. Sometimes I wish I could put some distance between us like Adam has and live my own life. But on other days it's so good to sit with him next to the fireplace and feel the warmth. If it wasn't for that stupid school we wouldn't have any problems.

Pa knows I do a lot more than chores on the ranch and he should be proud of the work I do with Charlie. For example today we moved a lot of hay to the cattle on the south pasture after I got back from school. I will ask him about quitting school when there's a good moment.

**March 21, 1852**

Today was a real great day. The church congregations – ours and the Catholics both - organized a spring opening feast as a fund-raiser for buying books for our school library. Besides the big picnic, the games and the bazaar with handmade things there were also a few merchants' stands with sweets, tools, and kitchen utensils, and a puppet show. The show came from San Francisco and played in all the small towns on its way. Joe's been telling us for a week what he wanted to buy and trying to guess what the puppet show would be. When Pa promised to give Joe the entrance fee and a dime for buying sweets if he behaved well the whole week, I thought about little Tommy. He surely wouldn't be able to go to the show or even the picnic.

The next day I asked Annie if I could invite Tommy to come with me to the festival. As I saw her eyes get big I added fast, "And you and Mary, Johnny and Will." She gaped at me and interrupted, "Stop. Hoss, how will you find so much money?" I said that wasn't for her to worry about and smiled at her. (Maybe I will take some more out of Adam's money again.) Annie told me her mother needed her at home, but maybe she'd allow the four younger kids to go while Annie helped her with the laundry. I asked about her father but she just shrugged and said, "He doesn't care much about us. He thinks raising the children–especially me –is our mother's job."

We got permission for the younger children. It sure is a pity that Annie couldn't come too but she wished us a fine afternoon and smiled. Hop Sing promised to make up a big picnic lunch and Pa gave me half of what I needed for the Sullivan children as well as the money for my own admission.

The afternoon went so well, we all had so much fun. After the picnic we went to the puppet show. Tommy sat on my lap and Joe on my right. The show was so good I laughed till I cried. After the show we strolled along the booths and I bought sweets for us all, and some extra for Annie.

Later Joe and Johnny teamed up to win the three-legged race and I did pretty well at horseshoes.

I took the children back home in our carriage. When we got close to their cabin they went silent. They told me their father doesn't like it when they're loud. I gave Will the bag with leftovers before they got out of the carriage. Suddenly the door opened and Annie came out. She smiled her shy smile at me that I like.

She thanked me and hugged me quickly before she greeted the children and took them inside. I forgot to give her the little bag of candy.

**March 25, 1852**

Annie told me how happy her brothers and sister have been after our afternoon and I remembered the bag with sweets I still had with me. The candies didn't look very pretty now and were gluey but we sat under the tree where only the oldest pupils sit and ate them. She told me that she will have to quit school this year because her mother is expecting again and needs her at home. She looked very sad about that. She couldn't understand how much I want to be done with school. It was somehow bittersweet we both were afraid of our future but for now we sat together in the early sun and ate candies with sticky fingers.

**March 27, 1852**

Spring is warm this year. I'm glad I haven't contaminated my favorite places with Lilly. Today I went to the small meadow I like best. Sitting here and watching how nature becomes green again I felt even more how lifeless school is.

**April 2, 1852**

I told Pa this evening that two boys my age will leave school this summer." It doesn't matter what the others do", was all he said. Last year when I pointed out that Jake and Mike would be leaving, he said they were older. And now that doesn't matter! Sure I got angry. Pa told me all over again that I have to stay in school until I had finished. When he started on how happy Adam would have been to have such a good school so near, I couldn't stand any more of it. "I'm not Adam! I'm only your dumb middle son!" Pa only growled that I shouldn't dare yell at him and sent me to my room. Before I slammed the door I shouted back, "Maybe you can make me stay in school but you can't make me learn anything!" I knew it was childish but it seemed the only thing I could do. Dadburnit! It's my life, after all, and I want to quit school! I don't know how that stupid book learning could help me out here on the ranch.

Why doesn't Pa understand how much work I could do here? I don't want to quit school just so I can slack off. I want to work! I'm as strong as a man and I could do a man's job. And he would be the one who benefits.

**April 12, 1852**

Hi Journ,

Today I brought home an E in the last history test. I hadn't bothered to study for it. I gave Pa the test without flinching, looking him directly in the eyes to show him that I could be at least as stubborn as he. I thought there would be an argument, that we'd lock horns. But Pa was very calm and said he could see that my decision was made. That was all. Pa rode into town and came back three hours later. He said he had withdrawn me from school and that tomorrow he'll take me up to the lumber camp. That's where the less educated men can work on the Ponderosa, so if I think I'm a man because of my muscles it's where I should go to use them. I'm not sure if Pa means that as a punishment. But it doesn't matter because I don't have to go to school anymore!

**April 17, 1852**

Hi Journ,

I've been at camp now for most of a week and my whole body aches but it's so good feeling you could do this hard work; it's so satisfying.

**April 19, 1852**

We not only cut trees we also plant some young ones. The rest Nature does for herself. Nature gives you all you need but you mustn't rob her. I enjoy being out here in the woods during spring. When we finished work and dusk settles in I go just a few yards away from camp and sit there, near where a patch of green grass is growing, in silence and wait. Every evening the deer come there with their little ones. I carry my rifle with me not because I want to shoot them but in case any dangerous animals also show up and I have to defend myself. I learned long ago that Nature has to provide for all her creatures and a big fat Hoss might look like a better dinner to a cougar than a deer.

I can't write here any more because the men tease me about it and try to look over my shoulder.

**May 22, 1852**

Hello Journal,

I'm back from camp. Adam would laugh but they gave me the nickname professor because they saw me writing in my Journal twice and reading an adventure book. At first it was fine there. But after three weeks it got boring: the jokes, the tales about women, the drinking on Saturday night: always the same. The bragging about women I disliked the most. Whenever they did that I always saw Annie before me with her shy smile.

Maybe I missed also my evenings with Pa, hearing him read the newspaper and knowing what's going on in the world, or playing checkers with Joe.

Then there was that one big tree we cut. I was clearing branches from its trunk when I found a nest with four little naked birds. They were too small to save, so I killed them. It wasn't nice killing those innocent creatures but better for them than starving. Then I puta shovelful of dirt overthem. The other men looked at me as if I was crazy. The foreman called me back to work because I had wasted enough time.

At dinner when Bert teased me about my tender heart I showed him with my right hook that he'd better not. I think the others were impressed but I knew in that moment working in a lumber camp isn't my future. Pa was right.

**May 24, 1852**

I'm back at school. Pa and I had a long talk after I came home with him. We agreed that I would go back to school again and stay through next year, so I can learn to keep the books and manage the other paperwork. I don't like it very much but unless I'm capable of doing it I couldn't run a ranch. And ranching's what I like! But Pa also understood that I want to learn more about doing the practical things. We compromised by deciding that this autumn I'd go on the cattle drive. I'll miss school for another six weeks but I can catch up the same way I am now.

Annie seems happy that I'm back at school. I wish I'd find a way to make her parents let her come to school next year too. Seeing your friends again is nice-especially little Tommy.

At home I get to play checkers with Joe and sit with Pa on the porch again. Joe is now real good at checkers!

Rosie was barren this year so we bred her again. We sent her to a big black stallion that has some racehorse blood. Pa objected to this plan at first but I know this stallion and Rosie would match just fine and Pa finally went along with me.

**May 31, 1852**

Joe seemed unhappy. When I let him drive the carriage and even that didn't cheer him up I knew something big was wrong. Then when I met Joe in the hall this evening he whispered for me to come into his room. He rummaged a while in his wardrobe and pulled out his new Sunday jacket. It was all torn up and stained. I remembered that on our way back from church I had wondered why Joe was pulling his coat tight shut since it wasn't cold at all. When I asked him how this happened he said a branch broke while he was climbing a tree and he slid down clinging to the trunk until he could catch hold of another branch. "Which tree?" I asked. "The big one over by the church." "But that's a good climbing tree! The only branches that might break are right at its top!" Joe just stared down at his feet and I felt cold sweat on my forehead. Then he looked up at me with a proud smile and said, "But I won, I went the highest." "Joe, you could have killed yourself falling out of the top of that tree!" "I caught hold again. Please, Hoss, don't tell Pa," he said, and looked at the jacket in misery. We knew both if Pa saw it like this Joe would be in for it and he'd have to say how he got it in such a mess. And that wouldn't make anything better. "Hoss, can't you come up with something? Please help me, big brother!" and he smiled his winningest smile at me.

Joe didn't need to bait me like that, because I still wanted to help him anyway. But what could I do?

"Maybe Hop Sing could do something …without telling Pa," Joe went on, and that gave me an idea.

"Wait a minute, Joe, not Hop Sing–let's try going to Chinatown and see if someone there can help." So that's what we'll do tomorrow.

**June 4, 1852**

We found someone who said he will mend the jacket for us. Maybe it would have been quicker and cheaper if we asked Hop Sing's cousin to do it but that seemed too big a risk. We went to town every day to see if it was ready and today we got a neatly and mostly invisibly repaired stainless jacket back in our hands. It cost nearly half of Adam's emergency money but we were both so relieved to have it before Sunday. I think this way it's better even for Pa, because he doesn't have to be scared about what could have happened, and now the jacket looks like new again too.

**June 12, 1852**

Joe is ten now. We celebrated his birthday with a little party. While the adults drank coffee, I played games with the children. Joe loved it. Just one time he got sullen because he wasn't given a do-over throw when the children were throwing balls at a big stack of cans. Joe was winning the shiny marble that was the victory prize but missed on his last throw and argued he got distracted by someone else while aiming. Then he ran into the house. But Pa gave him his stern glare and reminded him of his duties as a host so he came back and had fun again. That's the good thing about Joe–he can get over a bad mood real quickly.

**July 2, 1852**

My grades were much better than expected. Pa and I often sit together in the evenings and he shows me the ledgers for the ranch and has me check his work. It's a lot more difficult than I thought.

This summer I'll work with Charlie. Pa will invite Joe's friend Mitch to visit so he won't be lonely. I promised him we'd spend one day of every weekend doing things together.

**July 14, 1852**

Hard dry work, riding and mending fences, but work where you can think or even not think, only be. When we break off to rest at noon I feel like I'm just another piece of Nature, lying here not moving, all my strength tucked deep inside me. So a rock must feel in the sun.

**August 21, 1852**

I went with Joe to the lake a few times. He loves the lake too, for him it is a place of great adventures. He pretends he's a pirate or an Indian. We skip stones and he shows off like a little daredevil, jumping and diving off the rocks. Sometimes he dares me to do a few stunts of my own like that, and we chat and laugh a lot. It's a lot of fun being with him but we never see any animals except for a few ducks far away.

**August 22, 1852**

Joe has really outgrown his small pony. We tried to convince Pa of that during dinner yesterday. Pa finally agreed with us but to Joe's utter disappointment Pa gave him Queenie to ride. Queenie is a real nice little mare Adam rode when he was a boy. She is good mannered but she disliked running even when she was younger and she is a lot older than Joe.


	4. 1852 (Sept - Dec): Tommy

**Fourth year**

**September 1, 1852**

Annie isn't in school anymore. She wanted to stay so badly and I miss her. Little Tommy clings to me again. Maybe I can invite them both for a little carriage trip.

Lilly has left school, too.

**September 2, 1852**

After school I rode with Tommy to his home. I rode double with him and he looked as proud as if he was a knight riding his charger. I could feel his ribs through his shirt and jacket.

Mr. Sullivan was at home and I tried to ask him if his daughter Annie and his son Tommy could spend the day with me on Saturday. I've never saw such strange behaviour. His answer was a flat "No!" I asked him why not and promised I would take good care of them. He looked at me if I was crazy and asked "Why those two?" "Because they are my friends." "The skinny one and Annie?" he said in disbelief. Besides she isn't my daughter. She's just her mother's bastard." I saw Annie wince when he said it but he continued without showing any emotion, "But that doesn't matter to me. She works and pulls her weight. That's all that really matters for anyone. If you like take the Skinny. But not the girl. Her mother needs her here." And with that he turned to his work again as if he hadn't said such a cruel thing about his stepdaughter. Annie stood there, her eyes full of tears. I took a deep breath but she interrupted me, "Don't Hoss! It's all right! Please take Tommy with you. He'll enjoy it so much!" Then she turned and ran inside where her mother was standing in the doorway with a stony face. I ask me what a kind of man is that Mr. Sullivan! Didn't he see how he hurt Annie?

**September 4, 1852**

Back from my trip with little Tommy! He is such a great child! First I was sad that Annie couldn't come with us again and very angry about Mr. Sullivan, but she said, we shouldn't spoil the day because of her when Tommy was so exited about the upcoming trip, and there would be another day when she could come too. So I tried to make the trip for Tommy the best I could. And it turns out that the day became really special for Tommy and me. He asked if we could ride and not use the carriage and so I took him by horse. We rode around two hours. I've never seen a little boy all eyes and ears like him, he devours the sights around him. I showed him squirrels and special birds. I took him to my berry patch and we picked the last blackberries. Then we rode to the beaver dam. The beavers hid at first, but we waited to see them and when they came out he watched them wide-eyed around half an hour with all his attention. On the way home I led the way through a small grassy valley I like very much. Tommy sat very still for a long time just looking at it, then he said, "This meadow is so cheerful, Hoss, with all those blue, yellow and red flowers. I like those flowers." I was glad that the little boy loved that spot, too. It's really a special place, the meadow has enough water so very colorful wildflowers bloom there even in the fall. I told Tommy that I often take a bunch of wildflowers from that meadow to my mother. He turned and looked at me speaking with surprise in his voice, "Can I pick some for my ma too, Hoss?" as if the meadow was mine. I showed him how long the stems must be and he picked a real pretty bunch of flowers that he clutched in his hands like a treasure all the way back sometimes smiling at it.

**September 8, 1852 (aged 16)**

Pa gave me a golden pocket watch with my initials on the backside for my birthday. Normally I don't like wearing a suit but now I'm looking forward to Sunday when I'll be carrying the watch for the first time in church while wearing my Sunday best.

**October 14, 1852 (aged 16)**

Back from the cattle drive. As a greenhorn I had to ride drag. It's a very dirty and hard job. I was never so saddle sore as on the first days. The hands grinned at me when I walked stiffly and groaned but Charlie gave me some salve.

It's so great after a day's work to sit by the fire and relax. But first you have to quench your thirst. The drive cook's helping boy brings you your food you don't have to fetch it because we working men have earned our rest. On the drive I saw Pa from a different point of view: as the boss. He's a good one – like the others say not only strict but fair but also foresightful, and full of knowledge about the geography and the cattle.

It's funny I don't like the smell of filthy clothes and unwashed bodies in winter but in the camp I enjoyed the mixed smell of sweat, smoke, leather, cows, and horses on my own body and everyone else's. It smells manly and like hard work and maybe freedom from civilization.

But after we sold our cattle and Pa paid the hands (and me!) we went to a hotel – Pa rented its best room for us two – with a bathhouse. And being freshly bathed and wearing fresh clothes is also a great feeling; and having dinner in a expensive hotel restaurant also.

Joe and I fetched the mail today after school. Like two years ago Adam's letter about his year didn't come until during the drive. Now he is one of the ten best in his class. What an achievement for a country boy who couldn't go to one of the fancy schools the others attended. He sent a portrait of his grandfather, which Pa studied a long time; and a letter for Joe and a special birthday card for me.

Adam's card (I glued it in with a strip of paper so you can turn it and see the image of Boston on the front side):

Dear brother Erik,

Pa wrote me you will go on your first cattle drive this year. So you are almost a man and I think using your Christian name is required! Happy birthday to you! May you always have health, joy and the Lord's blessing. I've heard how big a help you are for Pa and that you're a great big brother. I'm so proud to be the brother of such a successful young man. Like always I wish I could give you a big hug!

I enjoyed the description of the sunset at the lake in your last letter. I'm not sure if you are aware that many famous philosophers share your feelings about nature. Maybe you would like to read Thoreau.

Take care of yourself.

Your brother Adam

P.S.: Riding drag is very dirty; try to avoid it if you can. I couldn't.

**October 18, 1852 (aged 16)**

Going back to school is odd. I'm sitting next to John now, a boy my own age I neither like nor dislike. He's helping me catch up on what I missed. It's not too bad using your brain after using your muscles. There's a lot of catching up to do but I look at it like a race. For the first time I can understand Adam about finding it satisfying to learn.

Joe is inattentive in school but that's up to him. It's interesting to see all the little girls whispering and looking after him but he seems not to realize it while he plays his rough games with his friends. Or is he only pretending not to notice? Tommy is happy to see me, as always. He gave me a picture he had drawn that shows me and him in a flower meadow. Because he didn't have colored inks he scribbled in the picture the color's names. I promised to go fly a kite with him when the weather allows it (and his father! I dislike that man. It seems that any joy is a sin for him.)

**November 4, 1852 (aged 16)**

Before I rode to school on October 27 the weather was sunny and a bit windy. I thought about my promise to fly a kite and asked Joe if he wanted to come along. He said yes so we made plans about where we would go for the kite flying. I brought the old kite we made last year to school with me. It wouldn't take long to repair it during recess. I searched for Tommy to tell him but he wasn't in the yard or in the schoolroom. When I asked his brother Will about him during recess he said Tommy was ill. The little fellow is often sick so I only asked Will to give him my good wishes, but then I saw Mary and I got alarmed. The little girl had red rimmed eyes and whispered to me that Tommy was dying, she had heard their father say so. Johnny also looked very sad and now even Will busted out in tears. All I could think was "No!".

Right away I saddled my horse and galloped over to the Sullivan's.

I went in without knocking. Annie was at the hearth stirring a big pot, and little Martin crouched on the floor alternately sucking and licking on a spoon and beating the floor with it.

Annie had red rimmed eyes too. I went to her and stroked her hair trying to console her. She sniffed and pointed with her head to a chamber door.

There was little Tommy, all hot and sweaty on a narrow cot. His mother sat on his bed trying to feed him some mashed potatoes.

Tommy didn't open his mouth. I went up to the bed and called his name softly. His eyes focused after a while circling around on my face and a small smile curled his dry and swollen lips. "Hello, Hoss, what are you doing here," he whispered. "Are you here, to take me for a ride?" I felt a lump in my throat but I said "Hi buddy, the weather is just fine, I thought maybe we could fly a kite the way I promised you." Tommy smiled again but then he had a coughing fit that tired him out so he couldn't speak anymore. I looked at his mother who sat there with a stony face looking blankly at the wall. "What has the doctor said?" I asked. "Nothing." "Why nothing?" "He wasn't here!" I was speechless, no doctor. "I will go and bring him, Tommy needs him!"

I brought Doc Martin within an hour to the Sullivan's, I said I would pay him from my own money. He examined Tommy and gave him something for the coughing but his face was all serious like I'd never seen it before. My heart sank. Tommy had Pneumonia and there's really nothing even a doctor can do against it. It depends on how strong a body is to fight it off, and that night would be the crisis, the Doc told me. „But he isn't strong, Doctor," I said. He just looked back at me with a slight sad nod. "But I have to do something. Maybe a good healthy broth, like Hop Sing makes if we are sick, could help him?" "You can try it, boy! I'll be back and look at him again during the night."

When I returned with the broth Hop Sing gave me Tommy´s father was back from his work and the other children back from school. While I was giving Annie the big pot, Hop Sing's instructions and the herbal tea he also sent Mr. Sullivan stated, "You brought the doctor and paid his bill?" I nodded. "Wasted money, there are better uses for it. I know dying children; he won't recover!" Then he called Mary to set the table and told Annie to start serving dinner.

When I rode home that night I couldn't hold back my tears. Tommy was unconscious and Doc Martin said I could do nothing more. It was now up to him. His ma and Annie were there by his bed so I felt like an intruder and said good bye.

I put the picture he painted for me in front of me and I prayed for him, but it didn't bring me any peace. Not like other times. Even though I prayed with my whole heart, for the first time ever it didn't comfort me.

**November 5-7, 1852 (aged 16)**

On the ride to the Sullivan's place early the next day I was more afraid then I can tell.

When I came into the cabin I was taken aback. There sat Mr. Sullivan at the scratched wooden table eating broth – the broth I brought yesterday for Tommy. I lost my temper and yelled at him, asking how he could do that.

"Because the Skinny doesn't need it anymore, he is dead. May the Lord be gracious to his soul." And with that he slurped down loudly another spoonful of broth.

I was so shocked I couldn't speak or react. I felt tears in my eyes and desperation over the death of my little friend that I'd been dreading and at the same time a rage I haven't felt before. "He's dead and you just sit there eating his soup? " "Look, boy, I'm the one who brings the money, if I can't work they all will starve. So it's my job to eat and be healthy." "What kind of a father are you? Don't it mean nothing to you that your son's dead in the next room?" "Tom was always too small, from the time he was born. I knew he'd never grow up. But I think I'm a proper father: I do what's needed: I feed them, I teach them right from wrong and I give them clothes. That's what a father has to do. If they live or die isn't my decision. Whether it's the Lord's will or just bad luck, you still have to live with it. Children come and go. So it is!" he said and dipped his spoon back into the broth.

I stared at the man, bewildered, fighting down the impulse to grab him by his collar, haul him up and beat him so he would feel at least some kind of pain.

Instead I went wordlessly around the table to where I knew Tommy's body would be, where the day before I saw him burning with fever.

Annie, her mother, John, Will and Mary were standing around his bed praying. They made room for me so I could approach the narrow bed. There Tommy lay with a pale waxen face, his little hands folded, his curious eyes closed forever. I couldn't pray, I felt sobs coming like an eruption. I couldn't stay any more in the crowded room, I had to get outside. I saw Tommy's mother with her frozen face carrying little Martin and Annie's red, teary eyes as I mumbled a few words of condolence and ran out of the place. When I was outside the house I heard a baby crying in the other bedroom. _Children come and go_ rang in my ears_._

The next thing I remember I was running, stumbling and staggering through the woods. I hadn't no horse. I must have left it at the Sullivan's place. Eventually I threw myself down under a big tree crying and arguing with the Lord. Why did Tommy have to die? I thought about ma and my mama. I was so desperate I pounded on the ground with my fists. Finally I fell asleep. Now I can say I was lucky because that late October night wasn't as cold as usual and I'd found myself a relatively warm place in the dry needles under that big tree. When I woke up the moon stood high in the sky. I was sad but not so desperate anymore. I remembered our little trip two months ago and without thinking I went to that meadow. His image stood before my eyes. I saw him picking flowers and happily smiling and I vowed that I would find him a few flowers so he would have something he loved to carry with him.

I stood up and began to search. After the sun came up it was easier to look, but I couldn't find any flowers so late in the year. I went to all the warm and sheltered places I could remember then just started walking at random. I walked the whole day. I don't remember much about that day; at first I felt hungry but then I lost the feeling, and my hands and face got scratched from thorns and branches. By the time it was almost sunset, I was standing halfway up a mountain and knew I was lost because nothing seemed familiar.

I sat down on a stone feeling thirsty and exhausted, the desperation came back and I closed my eyes. And then I heard a slight ripple of water. I needed a while to fight down my weakness but I managed to follow the sound till I found a fresh spring. I knelt down and drank gratefully When I looked up from the refreshing water I saw them: three white blossoms looking like silver white stars with a light yellow middle. I picked the little flowers gingerly and after wetting my handkerchief I wrapped their stems in it. I stood again and surveyed the land and in that moment I just knew where to go.

I'm not sure of that night either but I walked mostly. Pa's star-navigating came in useful and I got back to Virginia City in the early morning. The first man I saw was Sheriff Coffee. I tried to avoid a meeting but he saw me too and called my name. I called back that I didn't have time and headed on towards the Sullivan's cabin. But then everything happened very quickly, Pa was with me, holding my arm, speaking to me in a low voice. I didn't understand him. I cried to Pa that I had to go to the Sullivan's place. Pa shook me and I focused on his face, his mouth. "Tommy isn't there anymore," I heard and saw him tell me. The ground was trembling and tilting. I saw dark fog patches before my eyes and all I could say was, "But I found them for him. I wanted to give him these as a greeting from earth, something to hold in his little hands for comfort when he went through the darkness to heaven.…" My voice faded away and it was like I saw the world through a thick glass pane – far away and silent. Pa shook me again, and somehow I was lying on the street. "He isn't buried yet, son, he is in the mortuary chapel at the Catholic Church. And I will bring him your flowers. I promise. Open your hand, son!"

First I couldn't loosen my grip but then my muscles relaxed and in the same moment the dark came back but velvet and comforting this time.

I remember Charlie driving our buggy, me climbing the stairs and falling into bed. It was dark when Pa entered my room, sat on my bed and stroked my cheek. "I'm glad you are back, Hoss, I was worried." I snuggled my face up to his big calloused hand and felt the safety of my father's love and knew how privileged I am to have such a father. Suddenly my stomach growled. I hadn't eaten for more than two days and two nights. Pa thought I was still too weak to get up so Hop Sing served me two big plates of food in bed which I devoured. After eating I fell into a dreamless sleep again until the next day.

I knew I shouldn't get up yet but I couldn't stay in my bed any longer the way Pa ordered me to. I had to get to the graveyard, to Tommy's grave and say my last goodbye to him and pray for him. So I did. When my eyes were dry again I knew I also had to ride to the Sullivan's. He was their son and I wasn't at his funeral.

I found the family sitting around the old table in their dismal cabin just finishing their meagre Sunday supper. When I entered all heads turned to me.

I tried to say something when Annie sprang from her seat and run in my direction calling my name with surprise and relief. "I'm so glad you're here! I was worried about you, Hoss. And you have …"

I smiled at her when her father in a gruff voice addressed me, "Why?" I turned and saw him glaring at me intensely. I cringed under his scrutiny. "What do you mean, sir? Why what?" I asked as politely I could. The children looked at me curiously. When their father saw their stares he ordered them outside, saying he wanted to speak to me alone. They obeyed so quickly I could see how used they are to following their father's orders at once. As Annie lifted little Martin out of his chair, she gave me a quick smile before following the other children out the back door. I felt very uncomfortable all alone with her parents.

"Why did you bring those flowers to the Skinny…to Tommy?"

"I thought he …"

"No, why those flowers?"

"Sir?"

He frowned and I stammered, "It's almost November, sir. They were all I could find. In summer I would have found bigger flowers and more of them. But those little stars were nice also, I thought."

"Those little silver white stars used to grow in a nice sunny spot in front of our house in Ireland. My mother loved flowers and had a lot around our house, more than other women." It seemed to me that there was a flickering in the man's eyes.

"Then your little son inherited his love for flowers from his grandma, sir."

"Tommy liked flowers?"

"Sure he did, flowers, meadows, trees, animals. He liked everything that grows. You must not know much about your children."

"No, maybe not." I saw the flicker again. "I liked the flowers around our house as a boy. Our house wasn't big but it looked nice when they bloomed."

"Patrick," his wife interrupted him. "It seemed like you always thought flowers were only an unnecessary expense, a waste of time. If I had known…I like them…," and her glance went to a dried bunch of wildflowers, tied up with a pink silk ribbon and hanging on the wall next to a small crucifix.

"Maybe we can try and plant a garden in the spring around here," Mr. Sullivan mumbled as he left the cabin through the front door.

I felt hot, and uncertain about all this but said Hop Sing has a lot of seeds and flower bulbs–even roses– that she could have from the Ponderosa and then said good bye quickly hoping I could see Annie outside. While I was in the doorway I heard a deep sob and turning I saw tears streaming down Mrs Sullivan's face and it seemed like the stone melted. I saw this once before on Pa's face when Ma died. Just then the back door opened and Annie went in to her mother. I knew she needed Annie more than me so I went on and left.

The way back seemed to get longer and longer and I felt cold in the wintry breeze. My nose was dripping now and I felt sweat run down my back. When I finally reached home and touched the cold metal door handle a shiver went through my body. I knew I was running a fever.

If I hadn't been so weak Pa would have skinned me alive when I entered the big room. He said I had been warm in that morning and wasn't supposed to get out of my bed. Hop Sing made some herbal teas and put cold compresses around my calves to lower my fever. The last thing I heard as I felt asleep was Pa's threats about what he would do to me if I didn't stay in my bed this time. So I've been stuck a whole week now. Doc Martin came and said I was lucky that I only had a heavy cold.

For the last three days Joe has been allowed to come in. He sat on my bed and tried to cheer me up. And he did get me laughing over his shenanigans a few times. But laughing made me cough so heavily Hop Sing threatened to chase him out of my room. So we played checkers. Yesterday we got to talking about death and suddenly he hugged me hard and said, "Hoss, I love you, please always be careful! I can't live without you!" I promised and I realized how much I love my little brother, too.

The last three days I felt better and so I wrote that long entry. Like Adam said, it clarifies your thoughts.

I pray daily for Tommy and I hope he will find his grandmother in heaven.

**November 13, 1852 **

Pa kept me home another week because it freezes now. After a long argument Joe was allowed to ride to school by himself the last two weeks. I think Pa trusts Queenie more than Joe. In the winter it's good he's riding her but I'll try to persuade Pa to let Joe ride a more spirited horse in the spring. He can handle one and he would love it.

**November 15, 1852**

Today I returned to school. The long ride in winter before the sun is really up is normally not very pleasant but today I was glad to finally get out of the house and I felt strong and healthy again.

As I entered the schoolroom I felt a pang of sadness when I saw Tommy's empty chair and was going to my own seat when I froze in surprise. Annie sat in her old place. I couldn't believe it. I ran through the classroom, lifted her out of her seat and swirled her around. There's not much space for something like that and Miss Taylor reprimanded me but I was so happy.

During recess Annie told me that her parents will let her attend school again whenever she wasn't needed at home. Her mother said it worked before and she could manage Martin and Bridget and the cooking. For the other household chores she needs Annie but most of the work could wait until she comes home from school. Mary is old enough to help by now, too.

**December 22, 1852**

It's the last school day before Christmas and today Hop Sing gave me the yearly parcel with Christmas cookies for the Sullivans. I added peppermint sticks and for Annie a new pencil-case with all the tools she needs for geometry. She has only old tools that aren't very precise. It was expensive and I had to use the rest of Adam's money too but I'm sure he would approve that purpose highly.

When I gave my parcel to Annie the other Sullivan children stood around expectantly. They thanked me and stared at the big parcel but also at Annie. She smiled at me, bent down and produced from under her desk one parcel with the best Christmas wishes from the whole Sullivan family and another one just from her. They're here with me now I'm not allowed to open them before Christmas.

**December 26, 1852**

Christmas was joyful this year. We sat together on Christmas eve, after Pa read the Christmas story according to Luke, sipping the hot cocoa Hop Sing made and telling each other stories about Ma, Adam and even Tommy. Pa went to his desk and said Adam wanted us to open his gift today. It was a daguerreotype. On the small square of glass you can see Adam! It's real, not painted. He looks good, my big brother, even in his fancy eastern-style clothes! Pa seemed very proud, too, when he looked at the portrait. Pa and I told a lot of stories about Adam that night.

The night after Christmas Joe came in my room looking rather distressed, not how he usually is at Christmas. "What's wrong, Joe?" He stood by my bed staring at the daguerreotype that Pa had given me to put on my nightstand. Finally he asked sheepishly, "Tell me, Hoss, he looks so odd. I can't remember him at all." I lifted my bedcover, let Joe snuggle next to me, held the picture in front of us so we could look at it together and told him about Adam, mostly stories about Adam and him when he was little. A few incidents he remembered and I felt him relax. "When is he coming back?" "In nine months!" Joe nodded and snuggled closer to me with a little sigh.

In the Sullivans' parcel was a jar with a special apple jelly Annie's mother made. I know from our first years here what an indulgence preserves are and it touched me that the Sullivans shared theirs with me. I'm looking forward to open and eat it. Annie knitted me warm mittens I can wear instead of or over my leather gloves. She must have seen how often I can't write for the first half hour in school because my hands are too cold.


	5. 1853 (Jan-Aug): Annie and more about Joe

**January 12, 1853**

Mrs. Taylor closed school today at noon because she is ill. The younger children like Joe and the Sullivans took the chance to make an ice-slide in the schoolyard and have fun together instead going straight home. Annie and I sat in the small school's stable together and she told me some more about her family. She said that the day after I left her stepfather and her mother talked all night. She didn't remember that they had done so before. One result was that they both said they wanted their children to find happiness in life and that was why Annie could attend school again.

I already knew that Mr. Sullivan was only her stepfather but now she told me how it all came about. Annie's mother gave birth to Annie at the age of fifteen shortly after she and her family arrived in New York City from Ireland. She wasn't married then so Annie didn't have a legal father. They lived in a single room shared by three families and the arrival of a bastard child was very unwelcome and disapproved of. Her own father had been dead a long time so her uncle married her off to Mr. Sullivan, who was ten years older and had just lost his wife in childbed so he needed a wet nurse. She tried her best but the other baby girl died shortly after the wedding. Half a year later Mr. Sullivan had enough money to join a wagon train going west, and she had to leave all her relatives forever. On their way west Mr. Sullivan's little boy died too, so only Annie was left. Annie said she believes that her stepfather never really got over the loss of that first wife he loved and her children. Her own ma never took the other woman's place and he couldn't love the new children either. But now she felt for the first time that her parents were seeing that they did care for each other. Annie looked at me with her shy smile and I hugged her there in the stable and told her that all will be better.

I felt so bad for Annie's mother, she really had it hard. I also thought about our Pa and how happy we all can be that he overcame the loss of three wives!

**February 24, 1853 (aged 16)**

Today Pa traded four steers for six horses. I think he mostly did it because the Indians need the food badly at the end of the long winter. Two of the horses are old and we will release them back to the wild but the others are fine young animals. The pinto and the black are not full-grown yet but maybe we can train them for riding in the fall. They could become very fine cattle horses.

**March 23, 1853**

Annie, Will and Johnny weren't in school the last two days. Mary told me they were at home helping to plant potatoes in the field their father had plowed last Saturday. Every spring he borrows a plow and a horse for doing it. After school I rode to their place. The family came back from the field to their house just as I got there Annie's mother carrying Bridget, and Annie holding Martin by the hand. Annie smiled at me while she led the little boy to the pump and washed his dirty face and hands. "Look, Hoss!" she called and showed me the cords stretched in to form rectangles beside the house. "Father will extend our vegetable garden and …, " she turned pointing to the house, "there will be a few flowerbeds at the front of the house too." I turned and saw Mrs. Sullivan smile at the small rosebushes planted next to the door now before she went into the cabin taking Bridget with her.

It looks like a lot of work and I asked Annie if I could help after school.

**March 28, 1853**

For the last week I've been going after school to the Sullivans' place and break up the soil in the garden. I couldn't do it if Joe hadn't volunteered to do a few of my chores! I'm so glad he did!

I met Annie's father a few times when he came from his work. Even now that I know more about his life I try to avoid him. Tomorrow I'll bring them the seeds, offshoots and bulbs Hop Sing gave me.

**March 30, 1853**

Today Pa used his belt on Joe for the first time. Pa found him standing in the corral between the unbroken Indian horses trying to tame them by feeding them oats from his palm. They didn't do anything to Little Joe but they could have. Carrying the oats in his pockets was especially dangerous because the hungry and wild animals could have pushed him to reach the oats. And when you try to keep them away they could get startled and trample you. I think Joe deserved to be punished but Pa overreacted. I tried to tell Pa that and make him aware how well Joe can handle horses but in the end he just got angry with me too.

**April 2, 1853**

I'm getting more used to Mr. Sullivan. He thanked me for my help and invited me for dinner. Normally I would tell him I need to get home but today I accepted his invitation. Annie sat next to me and looked very proud, not sure about what.

**April 16, 1853**

Today Joe did something really big.

Pa and I were loading the wagon with some heavy crates on the alley behind the store when a woman holding a little girl around four years by the hand came around the corner. Little Joe was walking behind her. She asked Pa if the boy was his. I saw Pa was startled and suspicious but he nodded. Real unexpectedly the women grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously stammering, "Thank you for that boy, he just saved Daisy's life." "I only grabbed her, Ma'am," Joe said, blushing and looking at Pa. "He grabbed her when that drunken rider was galloping down the street. Such an alert boy! She broke free of my hand and ran into the street." The mother looked sternly at her daughter, "That was very bad, you know!" The little girl nodded contritely and you could see tears pooling in her eyes. Joe's pleasure faded as he saw her desperate look. He knelt before her and said in a real big brother manner, "Promise me and your ma, you will never run into the street without looking!" She bobbed her head eagerly beaming a relieved smile at Joe. When the girl nodded her mother gave Joe a big smile, too. She insisted on giving him a dollar and then they left, still smiling broadly.

Pa allowed Joe to get the hunting knife he never let him have before. Paying the rest of the bill Pa said that he knew he could trust a boy as responsible as Joe had become to handle the knife carefully.

When I remember the smiles of that mother and daughter I wonder if Little Joe doesn't have too much charm for his own good.

**May 8, 1853**

Rosie has her foal, another colt – a black one. The birth was dangerous but Charlie and I managed it well. Because of his father the foal has a refined head but because of his mother he seems a bit chubby for a racehorse colt. We will see what he will become.

Pa allowed Joe to feed the Indian horses but from outside the corral. Whenever you look for him you will find him standing there.

**May 29, 1853**

Today I went back again to Annie's place. I had promised her father to help him repair the roof. The cabin looks real friendly now with its new paint and the brightly blooming flowers on the front side. After work I was sitting with Annie on the bench her father made recently, when her mother came outside and cut a bunch of flowers. Her father was next to the pump drying his hands with a towel. When Annie's mother was about to leave the yard her husband asked her where she was going. "Taking Tommy some flowers," she answered and walked on. "Wait a moment," he mumbled. "I come with you." Annie squeezed my hand and then called after her parents, "Take your time, I ´ll look after the children." And her parents didn't come back until an hour later saying they had gone for a little walk and looking happier than I've ever seen them.

**June 4, 1853**

Joe's birthday is near. He isn't the cute little boy anymore. He has grown a lot. He spends much time thinking up pranks, like exchanging the sugar and salt or putting frogs in the teacher's desk. Today I rescued the poor innocent frog Joe put in the kitchen cupboard while Hop Sing chased Joe waving his wooden spoon. It was funny seeing Hop Sing and Joe running around the table.

**June 4, 1853 two hours later**

Never laugh at a prankster. When I tried to put my head through the hole of my nightshirt I couldn't. While I was struggling I heard a giggle and running bare feet. The rascal had sewn the collar closed. But I pinned him in his bed and tickled him until he promised he would never do that to me again. I'm sure he had crossed his fingers, besides he's sure to think up a lot of other pranks.

**June 12, 1853**

Joe's eleven now. I still remember the little boy who slept in my bed when he was afraid at night.

That's long ago. I never told anyone but last summer I caught him and his friend Mitch sneaking out for a midnight ride. They were lucky I was the one who caught them! Thinking about that I knew what my birthday gift would be.

The big hug he gave me told me how delighted he was when I promised to take him and Mitch on an overnight trip for fishing and maybe hunting this summer.

**June 30, 1853**

Today I finished school. A year ago I would have hopped around like crazy but now it felt a bit odd. Not that I really liked school but it wasn't so bad anymore and having Annie there too made it a lot better. My last report card is the best I ever had and Pa and Joe looked proud when Miss Taylor gave it to me in the little ceremony we always have at the end of the school term.

**July 15, 1853**

I'm not sure what has worn me more out: the haying or the weekend with Joe and Mitch. They didn't sleep more than two hours, what with Joe teaching Mitch the star constellations and then the pair of them scaring each other with horror stories until they were too afraid to fall asleep. They wound up sitting next to the fire pretending they really weren't sleepy. Joe's stories were so vivid I almost was scared myself when that branch cracked near our camp.

**August 2, 1853**

Adam will arrive in less than two weeks. It's incredible. First the four years didn't move and now it's all ending so quickly. Hop Sing aired and cleaned Adam's room and Pa is planning a big welcome party. I'm looking forward to his arrival a little nervous, too. Maybe he is too educated for me now?

**August 4, 1853**

Pa told me he wants to celebrate Adam's home coming and my birthday in a combined party. I was puzzled, it should be just Adam's party since he was so far away for so long and had graduated from college. We could celebrate my birthday with a dinner the way we always do. Just having a birthday isn't like doing something big, I said. "Erik," Pa said sternly and I flinched at the use of my given name. "I would like to celebrate both my mature boys and show how proud I am of you both! When we slaughter the fatted calf I want to celebrate not just the son who's returning-and not as a prodigal, either!- but also the other one who helped me here and has grown into a mature young man of seventeen years."

**August 13, 1853**

Dear Journ,

Tomorrow afternoon after church the stagecoach with Adam will arrive. We've cleaned the whole Ponderosa or at least the whole house, the yard, and the barn, already. Hop Sing prepared a lot of food and baked a cake. I shined my boots, my shirt is fresh and my suit is pressed. All is ready, I'm so excited! I'm sure I won't sleep tonight!


	6. 1853 (Aug-Sept): Adam is back

**August 14, 1853**

He is back, he is back, he is back!

He looks fine and he isn't snobby after all. His hair is a bit longer and his face a bit more edged but that's normal: he is an adult now! But I will tell you right from the beginning.

After church we sat in the International House drinking coffee and waiting for the stagecoach. Pa and I checked our pocket watches every five minutes and then the stage arrived 20 minutes early! Joe saw it first and we literally ran outside and over to the stop. From a distance, we saw a thick man emerge and then Adam, looking around him. When he saw us hurry towards the coach his smile got truly as big as his whole face and he also ran to meet us.

Pa spread his arms and Adam threw himself into the embrace. When I heard Pa whispering to him, "Welcome back, my little big boy! I'm so happy I have you back!" I knew how worried Pa must have been that something would happen to his eldest son, because I haven't heard him call Adam his "little big boy" in forever. It's a pet name from his childhood. I asked Pa about it once and he told me that when Adam was a toddler and got his first britches he insisted he was a big boy now and so it became his pet name, because for Pa he remained his little baby boy.

After Pa it was my turn. Adam hugged me and then looking up to me he said, "I surely can't carry you anymore, little brother. I thought you must be big by now but bigger than me? That's not right!" He laughed and clapped me on my shoulder. Then he turned to Joe, who stood there motionless only staring at Adam. "But you, I can still lift, Little Joe!" And Adam started towards him. Joe took a step back. I thought about how Joe hates to be held or lifted and was relieved when Adam said, "But I won't. Hello, little buddy." Adam still seemed to want to hug him, but Joe held his hand out and said "Howdy!" so they shook hands formally. Adam's expression was a bit puzzled but he said nothing.

I realize now how long those four years must have been for Joe, he was only seven when Adam left.

Pa, Adam and I sat a long time together on the porch, even Hop Sing joined us for an hour. We drank a glass of whiskey and finally before we all went to our rooms Adam and Pa sang a little song together. It was Swedish and came from my ma. I feel younger now somehow.

**August 22, 1853**

It's so good to have Adam here because now I have somebody to ask for advice.

I told Adam that I'm a little afraid about the dance we will have at the big party. I'm so unmusical and I surely will step on all the women's feet. Adam asked why I thought that. "Because I can't sing," I answered. He shook his head. "Dancing has nothing to do with singing, Hoss. And if I know one thing it's that you have a good feeling for rhythm. That's what you need for dancing. I'll teach you the steps and I'm sure you will do just fine." So we practice each evening and it's fun. Joe looks very scornfully at us so we practice after his bedtime.

**August 31, 1853**

Adam's been back now for two weeks. I know it's hard for him that Joe reacts like he is a stranger. Even after Adam gave him new toys and a book he brought from Boston Joe is reserved. He avoids being touched by Adam and doesn't laugh when Adam tries to joke with him. I spoke with Joe about it. He shrugged and said, Adam speaks like books and teachers and he treats him like a little kid- even the toys were for smaller children.

**September 2, 1853**

Maybe today the barrier between Adam and Joe broke. Adam asked Joe if he wanted to come with him to the horse market at Carson City to look for a new horse for Adam. Joe couldn't resist seeing horses so he agreed.

Pa was upset when they came back long after dark and reprimanded Adam for being so late. Maybe that was the last straw. I saw them look at each other the way brothers do after getting a scold. The tension didn't last long and during the dinner Joe and Adam chatted about the horses they had seen and especially about that chestnut gelding they had chosen for Adam - both of them with sparkling eyes.

**September 3, 1853**

I was a bit nervous when I rode to the Sullivans' to invite Annie to our party. I haven't been there since Adam's arrival. Annie was sure happy to see me and even her parents seemed glad.

I told them about our party and that I would be delighted if Annie could be my guest. Annie looked happy but when I said more about the party and that we will be having real music her face grew longer and longer. I didn´t understand. Then she turned saying she wouldn't come. I was startled and told her that the whole party would be dull for me without her. Suddenly she got up from the table and almost knocked down her chair as she ran to the door, crying that she didn't have a dress for such a fancy party.

"Wait, Annie," her mother called. "I won't have my daughter not go to her first dance because she hasn't got a pretty dress! You know we have one." Annie turned slowly and looked at her mother, surprised "But, mother, it's …it's your dress made by your own mother." "Yes, and I would like to give it to my daughter now," her mother smiled. "I just saw some nice ribbons in the store that would match perfectly. With a few changes and those ribbons you will have a dress that everyone else will envy you," she said. "I think we can afford to buy Annie some ribbons?" She looked questioningly at her husband who shrugged and then nodded. A happy smile spread across Annie's face as she thanked her parents. Her mother made a gesture in my direction and Annie, with laughing eyes, came over to me. "Thank you for the invitation, Mr. Cartwright, I accept it with great joy." And then she gave me a quick hug.

**September 9, 1853**

Now I'm seventeen, I couldn't write yesterday, it was too late. I never had such a good day ever. Hop Sing had two cousins helping him with the food, even the hands in the bunkhouse got their share of it all. Besides Annie I invited Charlie—at first he wanted to refuse but I insisted—Mike and Jake and John. Pa had invited all the families we are friendly with and Roy Coffee and Doc Martin, but the doctor couldn't come. Joe was happy, too, because the Devlins were invited.

At late afternoon I drove to the Sullivan's place to collect Annie. I had gasped when I first saw her in that dress: she looked so elegant and grown up! When I helped her into the carriage Mr. Sullivan held my arm and said, "I trust you with my st…daughter, lad, bring her healthy and unscratched back or else …" Her mother smiled at her and said, "Have a good time!" Both parents waved when we left the yard.

The party itself was great. Pa delivered a speech. Annie and I danced a lot together. The food was delicious and except for one trip to the punchbowl Joe and Mitch behaved. Adam danced with a lot of girls, even two times with Annie but I didn't like it very much.

At midnight the party ended and I drove Annie back. I brought her back healthy and unscratched if you don't count a kiss or two_._ Yes, it was the best day ever!

**September 16, 1853 (aged 17)**

Yesterday morning Adam brought a parcel downstairs with him. It was a belated present for Joe's eleventh birthday, he said. In it were small leather chaps. Joe was exited but Pa was angry.

After Joe left for school the storm broke loose. "Why should Joe need chaps?" Pa asked in an ominous tone of voice. "Because he will help to break Cochise, the pinto," Adam said without a flinch.

And then they argued. Loudly. I would never dare to speak that way to Pa. Adam told Pa that Joe was a natural with horses. And Pa asked how Adam could possibly know that. Adam answered because he could ride Sport – Adam's new horse- without a saddle. Pa got furious and demanded why Adam had allowed Joe to ride as spirited a horse as Sport. Adam said, because his brother has inherited his horse sense from Marie. "And her reckless way of riding," Pa said in a lower voice. "Maybe. But you can't keep a whale in a goldfish bowl, Pa. Once he gets free he would be real reckless looking for the ocean. Let him learn while we can supervise him. If he puts himself in danger I will handle that myself but he has to learn now," Adam answered. Pa sighed and said, "Maybe you are right, son, I can't hold him back from his nature. But I fear for him." "I know", Adam said. "I do too!"

After that Adam told Pa he would like to take me with him to the saloon next Saturday evening. Pa was about to refuse, saying I was only 17. When Adam took a big breath Pa threw up his arms and said,"All right, Adam, all right, but don't overdo it, sons. I expect you both home in a suitable condition for church on Sunday." Pa glared from one of us to the other. "Yes, Sir!" we answered in unison and looked at each other the way brothers do when they get permission for something they weren't sure they would.

Now I'm dressed and looking forward to another real great evening!

**Being a big brother is fine but having one is better!**

**The End**


End file.
